So much Drama! Geez, I appreciate facebook, I love having family and friends and reconnecting and making new friends. I love having a family to turn to daily, for prayers, for guidance, advice...etc..
I haven't made my profile private because to be honest, I didn't expect that I would need to. I'll add who I want to add and ignore those I don't.
But inevitably there are people who see this whole facebook thing as a way into my life, my business and my family and friends. It's kinda sad for them that they have to resort to my facebook to make an appearance LOL, really, my life is NOT that interesting.
Get your own life, and most importantly worry about your own life. I'm living the life I chose to live and I'm very happy in it.
If and when I talk to my friends or family rest assured it has absolutely nothing to do with you, if it did, I'd just delete them and have a real life relationship with them, which I do anyway.
I'm where I want to be. I dont need to see your face on the side of my page, I don't need your "likes" on my comments, nor do I need a friend request from you and that won't ever change in the future.
Here's how I work, in the present, right here, right now. I have a lifetime of friends that I love. Most of them are on my page. I have a lifetime of family, they too are on my page. I dont randomly search for additions to my page, if someone requests me and I want them on my page, I add them. Period. If not, I ignore.
I wish for only positive, healthy relationships in my life and refuse to have anything else. "You" are not a positive in my life and we really have nothing to say to each other, I have no desire to see your page and I wish you'd lose the desire to see mine. Not that I have anything to hide, it seems I have what I wanted, maybe you are just jealous that you couldn't get it, I dont know.
Maybe you should let go of your fears, your lack of self esteem and the loss that you willingly took and worry about who "you" are and not "who" I am.
However, to satisfy your deep, immature need to know, here goes
I'm very happily married to the love of my life, I have a great career that I love. I have a great family that I'm very close to and spend as much time as I can with. I am living the dream, yes I am.....And it's a real dream, not one made up, not one I'm just content with but the real dream. Exactly where I want to be. It's not fake, it's not made up. My husband and I fight and argue over stupid crap, we work our butts off to get what we've got, we have a plan. We didn't settle for each other, we found each other.  Our love is real and it's eternal.
I dont need to impress you, I dont even need you to know my life. I live my life for me and mine, my suggestion to you is that you settle for the life you chose and stop trying to live in mine!

Change

She fell in love head first at 18 years old. She gave him her complete heart and never thought twice about it......
Our hearts are capable of love at a much earlier time that our heads and bodies are actually capable of dealing with such an emotion as "love"
We can love at such an early age because we haven't learned to let our heads interfer, we  haven't yet engaged solid thought. We don't know reservation, we dont know question, we are still truly capable of complete trust.

Of course he broke her heart completely into.....

She moved on, she loved again, and unknowlingly started the cycle of loving and hurting. It was years before that wall was finally built and absolutely in place. But once erected it was absolutely solid and safe.
It was there behind that wall, that she finally found complete and utter acceptance. She called it happiness. And in reality she probably was at the very least content! Her focus became her life, her career, her plans. Love wasn't really in her goals anymore, it wasn't in her list of searches. Life became better, goals and plans were being reached. Life was good.

Yet, love found her again.....maybe without her consent. It just happened. It was there and it felt ok to pursue. Bliss happened and Bliss died......She found herself in pain again, in angonizing, excruziating heart ripping pain. She had been tough for so much of her life that she thought she could heal herself and life did indeed go on. She found herself giving more and more chances, more and more of herself and her love.....nothing was happening different. No matter what she gave, Love was taking. And there was no return. The only thing that was consistent in her life was pain and hurt.

One day she awoke and though she still felt the love, she realized the pain and the yearning was gone. I think she knew that day that it was gone, at the very least, she was a different person. She felt a little numb, a little detached, and distant from the thing she knew as love.

Love is strong, even pain can't kill it. The love continues......
But she accepted in her heart that the love would remain......She just had to find a way to stop the pain.
The wall had been built again and it was stronger than it had ever been before!

The Final Death vs. The Chosen Death

A loss of someone you love is a terrible tragedy. A pain that cannot be comforted, and that only time and acceptance can help ease. Some losses are harder to accept than others. Some of our pain, anquish and grief is entensed by lack of acceptance from us before the passing.
When you lose someone it's permanent and life is without them until one day when we all meet again in heaven.
As deep as that pain is, there is nothing to do other than acceptance, there isn't anyway to take back or fix the relationship or speak the last words that you so desperately wish you could, it's final...
However people face loss everyday, maybe not death in the final state, but death still the same. Death to the relationship, way of life, etc.
And expect to deal with the pain and anquish and grief in the exact same manner as the death that is final, yet, it's not....
Sometimes the grief is exactly the same as if the person/relationship/lifestyle had died and been buried.
In some circumstances, I guess it's necessary to deal with it this way and it's probably the best way to heal.
But many many times, it's not!
Your chance is still there, you have to decide why the loss happened? You have to decide if the end is necessary or fair....
We aren't always given the luxury of having that choice of whether or not to fix it, as we find when we bury a loved one, but when we've suffered a loss that isn't final, it's a option to suffer.
So many times the loss is brought on by hurt feelings, or misplaced words or actions. It's a difference of opinion. It's lack of doing the right thing. But if you are still being given that option to "fix" a death that isn't final, I'd encourage you to explore what/why happened. I'd take a deep long look at my heart and ask myself what God would do and I'd think long and hard about whether or not this loss was worth the pain, anquish and grief I'm feeling.
I'd take my choice very serious. I'd start with forgiveness for whatever hurt you were caused.
Love isn't so easy to find, relationships built aren't so easily destroyed or forgotten and life is long and empty and lonely with unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment in our heart.

Pay it forward

We were driving out of Walmart parking lot. The man is sitting near the exit holding his sign...I don't recall the exact wording on the sign, but my sister and I both smiled. The beggar had a sense of humor about his financial state. As my sister turns the truck around, I dig through my purse, we didn't have much to give but his light attitude about his situation honestly made us rethink how fortunate we both were to at least have jobs even if we were struggling.
Too many times in life we focus so hard on our own hardships that we oversee a simple blessing like a weekly paycheck. We spend so much time in feeling sorry for ourselves, being upset this or that, did or didn't happen in our lives and blaming anything and anyone, all our energy is spent on that. Therefore none of our time ever actually goes to fixing what's wrong with us or our situation. When you allow yourself to continue on in that perpetual state of self pity or refusing to take the next step to turn things around, then you are drowning and you'll continue to sink until you can take that step to solid ground.
Once you give back, pay it forward.....you'll see that change that you've been wanting. But first you have to learn to start giving and not just taking. Its the perfect time of year to be a giver, look around for your opportunity to give back

Thanksgiving

We had our family Thanksgiving yesterday and it was especially awesome this year as ALL 6 of our children were here. Travis and I blended our family's 4 years ago and I absolutely love that our children have been accepting and loving towards being a "family"
I think maybe the first time we All came together was the best test for both of us, we watched as "our" 6 kids met and then became friends and then eventually "family"
Wow, by God's grace, we are a true family. With added spouses and many many grandbabies.
The special little moments that you take to share a "bit" of advice, or offer your thoughts to that one special kid. And secretly you have been sharing those special moments with each kid, without the other knowing :) The hugs, the laughs, the jokes, the shared history of a Thanksgiving from many years ago.
I love these times, I love these days and they are few and far between, so I treasure them dearly. I love the diversity of many different personalities coming through and yet that's what makes us unique. Those people closest to my heart giving me one more moment of intense happiness.
I doubt our children know that it's only when they are here that we are completely in our element of who we really are....
With this day done, I find myself anxiously awaiting the next time that we all get to be together! If you are at my house on any given holiday, there are precious memories being made. There are special efforts being made for this year to be the best ever....

Giving Thanks

I have been posting daily on Facebook what I'm thankful for that day, it should be that way all the time and not just the month of November. Maybe I'll make that change. It's a much brighter facebook with everyone being thankful and not negative to say the least.
Being thankful isn't always an easy state to be in, sometimes it's just downright HARD to find that thankfulness.....
For a long period of my life, I didn't see it, I couldn't see it. But it wasn't because it wasn't there, it was because I expected it to be in some other form than what it was.
As I was driving down a dirt road one evening at dusk, the sun was setting behind a "hill" and it hit me. God made that and he allowed me to see the beauty in that day.
A few afternoons later I was driving by a pasture and I again took note of the beauty that had been hidden.
It took me a few days but it came to me, if you are looking for it, there is beauty all around.
So now each morning I'm thankful that the sun has come up and that I'm fortunate enough to sit on my porch with a hot cup of coffee and maybe a conversation with the husband. I'm thankful that I have money to put gas in my car and drive to work. Oh and I'm thankful for that job that God placed me in.....
SO you see, it's not that hard to find something to be thankful for, if your heart is truly thankful!

Moving On!

I consistently watch people do absolutely nothing to change their course of life. Maybe they work, maybe they make an effort to get by....
Ok, good. But if you dont take the next step, if someone doesn't force you to take the next step, then you'll likely be 'getting' by for a good long time.
Our future, our life is 100% up to us. There's nothing magical, there's nothing grand that's going to happen to change your life! You are the only one that can do that.
It's a one step at a time thing. Make a plan, make it in tiny little steps and then take that tiny little "first" step. It's not that hard.
Figure out exactly what isn't happening in your life. Then move to the plan. Make the very first goal a step towards changing that thing in your life that is holding you back.
Is it a lifestyle change you need to make, is it a disconnect you need to make? Deep inside you, you know what else you could be doing different, so why aren't you?
Often we get caught up in comfort, the comfort of having that job we've had forever, living in that town that we have always lived in, working with those people we are used to. For some it's lack of determination, lack of a drive to get out of bed in the morning and get up and do something different. Some of us, it's lack of focus, lack of discipline.
I dont care how young or old you are, you can change your life, you CAN do something different. No one is going to do it for you and NO ONE should. Redefine what you ought to be doing right now, it's pretty likely you AREN'T doing it.
Ask yourself, "Do I want to be where I am right now, 5 years down the road?" If you dont, then there's the start of your plan, what do you need to do next. Don't wait,right now is the perfect time to change your course and if you dont, then don't cry to me, because I had to make that decision and move myself!

Writers Block?

I'm prepared to write the next blog, no really I am! Thoughts aren't forming, they are actually rambling.
For the better part of the day, I've had a huge headache that Tylenol or nothing else could touch. I have so many things to do and with work and Thanksgiving with my family this week and a long long trip to enjoy Thanksgiving with his family next week, I might possibly be a little stressed.
This is what the holidays do to me, they stress me out! This isn't how it should be. I realize that, yet it still happens.
I swore last year I would do something different for a the holidays, like a cruise or something. Wishful thinking on my part cause in reality, I love the KAOS....I love seeing all my children together, mingeled with some grandbabies and I love cooking for all them and having a house full. I say that but I stress til the actual day arrives and we are all once again in one house.
I look forward to having the kids.....their kids and anyone else that show up. It takes me back like nothing else could ever possibly do
I wish everyone a great holiday season and I hope that at the very end of your stresss, you ALSO find great comfort in it. :)

My family said a final good bye to a very special Aunt this last week. Though I didn't see her near often enough, she meant more to me than I can say.
Sadly, I have to add here that the lack of spending time together was often more my fault than hers.
Before I go further I'd have to give you some history, I was born to two teenagers that split up before I was born. Though he saw me as a small child, life took it's place and both my parents married others.
I'm placing no blame here but as the years went by, I was raised and placed and loved being in my step family, I learned only of the biological one when I was 10 and much to young to deal with that new found knowledge. By the time I reached the teenage years curiosity set in and I randomly chose to meet this member or another of the biological family.
These small efforts must have made their way to my Aunt Cheryl, because it wasn't long after that she tracked me down and more than one time in my life, tried to bring me together with the long line of the biological family. Here and there I made an effort. My father wasn't a pushy man, he knew I loved him, he accepted that I was such a Wilson that I'd show up to what I wanted to show up to.
In 2005, Me, my sister and my brother buried our father. I regretted all the opportunities that I had to share with him and chose not to. And this week when I said good bye to my aunt, I had those same regrets.
In fact, I can go back to many times in my life that I lost a loved one and had regrets over time NOT spent. Biological or not. I dont know why I'm like that. I can't figure it out.
I avoid all things that might cause me pain, maybe because I've had to face so much other pains in my life. I remove myself from anything uncomfortable, maybe because I desire comfort so much.
I honestly can't tell you!
Now, I'm old enough to realize that in most people's life's, we dont' get enough opportunity's to love enough people, we dont take the chances we have to forgive those that have hurt us, those that have made us uncomfortable. No one is perfect, no one ever will be, we have to adjust, we have to forgive and most importantly, sometimes it's totally up to us to take a chance and pursue a life with someone that once hurt you. Most of the time, given the second chance, the person will redeem themselves and though they can't undo what they've done, you can both be healed by starting your relationship anew.

Travis and I have been married for about 3 1/2 years. We've been actually physically together much less than that. But when you consider that God brought together two people who've basically been single for at the very least a decade then you would understand why we've spent less time together.
This year we've spent an entire full fledge year together, aside from work, we were together day in and day out. We made goals and focused on them. And yes we've argued and fought. Our initial goals came through, it was easier to make the next set of goals and they are also working, although we haven't reached the end of them,, we definitely will.
I believe that both of us still have reservations, maybe not about the state of our marriage, we are both too damned stubborn to give up on that after all we've been through.....but maybe the little things.
Sometimes I think he takes way too much and gives way too little, and I'm sure sometimes he believes the same. At the end of the day, we've both done what needed to be done to reach those goals we set.
I think maybe our jobs differ, and here's where I think they differ. I'm the one that will take care of the little things. The house, animals, relationships, groceries...ok, you get it, I'm basically the housewife. Though I still work and contribute. Travis has a career as well, and on Monday's he always sees that the trash is carried to the road...Ok, in a pinch, he can and will do much more than that. I'm just trying to lay out a story line here.
When it comes to the big stuff, like household repairs, appliances, etc....It's him that carries the load. Ultimately when it comes down to it, we both carry our load but we do it in totally different ways. And maybe that's how we work.
My initial reason for posting was that I wanted to say that my husband likes to say that my parents spoiled me rotten. Especially when he's trying to get my goat and I do have to give him that I came from a very strong, loving family. My mother was a coddler and I learned true real life, only after I left home. But I did succeed in becoming an accomplished adult ;) I didn't have everything and anything handed to me, other than love.
The irony here (Oh yeah, that was the main idea of the story) is that my husband has taken the role of them. He has seen to it that I have been given the very best that he can offer, he supports me, he pushes me to pursue my dreams and he stands by me. He is truly my mate, my soul mate.
Yeah I'm a little spoiled......We worked hard for what we've got and where we've come.
And I kinda like it! Thank you Baby!!

I recently read a blog where someone committed to blog every day for a year. It got me thinking, I used to blog everyday, sometimes more than once and the words flowed easily. But after over a year off of blogging I find that the words dont always come so easy anymore. I try not to force my writing and I believe that the best writing is when the word flows smoothly. On the other side of that, I have to say that not writing for so long has hindered that.
I wonder if I should blog daily, just write for a minute? I've found in life that if you just move ahead and start something that the flow usually follows. In a writers world this isn't always the best course of action but it might be what is needed to move along.
So I guess I'm committing to not just writing everyday for a year but that I will write everyday. Something. Whatever it is. I will write.

I believe that I've walked through many trials successfully. Not always, but for the most part I've come away with the lesson.
In 2006 I left Texas to return to Oklahoma at what I sincerely believed was the end of a "trial", started a new career and a new outlook on life. Less than a year and half later I find my life in total turmoil, it took me a minute or two to realize it was once again a "trial". I've since discovered that maybe just maybe the end of 2006 wasn't the end of the fire but that God repositioned me for a reason and I was to continue the walk.
Trust me, when I say that I did continue. Long past what I thought the lesson should be. Late 2010, I was finally starting to see the other side of the mountain. I'm not sure even at this point that I realized I had been going through the fire. But once on the other side, I knew without a doubt that for 4 solid years, I had walked!
The valley, the trials, the fire, whatever you call them aren't necessarily over when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you haven't conformed to the reason God decided this time was necessary, he will lighten it up, but it will continue without a doubt. Don't be tricked into believing cause life gets better, you've come away with the lesson!
I believe that when you can't destroy your own happiness and you can't run from something uncomfortable and that God finally has you situated, then maybe just maybe that's the end. When you can willingly give up something inside you that is buried so deep it was considered a good trait, then maybe God has finally worked on you. When life is no longer what "you" make it, but it's a daily surprise and you are in awe of how "THIS" has come about, then maybe it's GOD and what he decided your life to be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no timeline for walking through the fire, there is no time line for becoming who you were always supposed to be, or what you were always supposed to be, but if you give it to Him, he will get you there. You might be surprised where he takes you, what he does with you...but you find that honestly, you couldn't have done better yourself. That is relenting!

Too much credit

We often give way too little, way too much credit.....People become easily upset by small little things that tomorrow or 5 years or 25 years later won't seem that important, however, if they do, then you'd be one that dwells too much and dont let enough go.
I was often that one that felt the need to fix things, to avoid things and to be angry because something happened. I was giving life to the very things that was making my life hard. Not that I don't ever NOT do it, I still do but most of the time I catch myself. I've learned the only things that are truly important are the things that motivate, push and encourage you. If you give time to something that only makes you angry, sad, hurt, etc....you, my dear, are truly wasting time. Time that is not promised, time that cant be gotten back. Time that belongs to you and your happy little life that you are supposed to be living and if you are spending it in anger then you just robbed yourself. If you are spending it in guilt then your last moment on earth may be in the guilt stage.
I've given way too much negative in my life....my life.
I believe that's why I can treasure that moment that we are sitting around the den, with smiles all around. Being silly, laughing, goofy....it's called loving life.
It why I can get on the floor with my grandbabies and be completely immature. I may not have tomorrow and they may not remember my many important speeches about right and wrong, but they will remember that Nana wrestled or colored or painted or baked. And if the last memory they have is Nana being silly, I pray it teaches them to love and live life. To have fun and enjoy what we have.
Sometimes I believe that some people can only function when and if they have drama and if it doesn't present itself to them, they will manifest it in their everyday actions. I'm sure there's a technical term for it but I can't recall it at the moment. Life is truly short (Yes I hate this phrase) But in truth, we only have today. Only tonight actually. Tomorrow hasn't come yet.
So instead of being angry, sad, disappointed or pitiful, look into your day and search for the true good you experienced. You did, I promise and if you can't find it right now, it is because you've closed your eyes to any good you might deserve.
When I awake in the morning (even after no hours of sleep) I thank the Lord for my day. I actually say "Come with me today Lord and teach me and show me what you see" I didn't always do this and I promise those days back then when I didn't, I saw only ugly. When I'm delayed my prayers are "What's next? Lord?" Because I do know that it's in His control and I'm merely a vessel. I'm waiting for his direction, even when it's not in line with what I believe should be the next step. Try to stay aware, if the very least you can do in the morning is get up and be thankful for the sky, whether it's dark and gray or warm and sunny, acknowledge it. Praise him for it and ask him to come along with you that day and see what he sees. Believe me, my friends, in one week, the world will look amaingly different to you!