It's here, the thunder and next will lightening and then rain.....


Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain.


Story of my life and once again, it's raining, this time maybe more than ever before. But once the rain stops, everything grows.


So bring on the rain!


Yeah so really I'm not feeling that positive, but It is what it is! I'm not really sure what that means, but it's always been my go to saying. So I'm using it now! And probably in the future, repeatedly.


I know there's a new growth for me around the corner, somewhere, at some time. I have to accept what will be, what I can't and can control. That is how I handle things. It seems this is and always has been out of my control. I've tried, but not been successful to bring it to fruition. And from this point forward I'm no longer trying to control it. It's in someone else's hands. There's a God up there and His will is important to me, so I'm going with that.


There's not a fight left in me, no, not one! And though I haven't laid down, I refuse to continue to fight for something that is not wanted or accepted or cared about.


This is where I am. For a long time, for the rest of my life.


But with all this new storms following with rain, I can only grow!

Delusions

I should write everyday, that actually has been my goal more than once.
It's not like I don't have anything to write about, I could fill a book in a day's time.


Yet, nothing?!


Maybe because the words I write are far too sad for someone else to have to read or to follow, maybe they would make me face the life I'm living and acknowledge it. It's probably a little of both.


Maybe because I like to be positive and I can't find a positive place or notion or idea or day....to actually write about right now.


I live safely in my little pretend world, don't ever kid yourself, it's truly delusional because it has to be for me to stay in this life. I guess that's my ability to live with my day to day life. But in no means does that mean I might be delusional, no, not in a heartbeat, that is for everyone else's benefit. I 100% know reality.

And I'm facing it like a champ in my opinion. Well, ok maybe not because Champs really don't lay down and let the world happen, they are out there facing it and changing it and finding happiness.
Ok, I know this, I'm on my way. I will do that. SOON!

On Your Own

I've been alone most of my life...sometimes by choice and other times not.
I know I'm alone now, it feels as if it's me against the world.
I'll be ok, I always have pulled through.


At this point in my life, I am not sure I've ever experienced hatred as I do now. It's sad and it breaks my heart in some ways. But it's built walls for me, bigger, stronger walls than I've ever constructed maybe.


I am at a point of no return, not really sure how to come out of this. Who am I kidding, there really is no return in my eyes. Nothing changes. Hatred grows, we all know this. I seem stuck, I seem paralyzed to make a decision that needs to be made. Why, why am I choosing to be weak now? I don't really know.


I've never been the type to let someone sink if I could help, I've never experienced someone that would. I've never been subjected to self survival. oh wait, yeah I have. But I survived. ALWAYS.


And no matter the pain and betrayal I feel now, I will this time too. And as usual, I'll come away strong.


Remember this! The only person that can break you, is YOU....Anyone else who tries is your enemy and not your friend. So save yourself and be who you were meant to be!

Broken

She made her morning coffee in her favorite mug and proceeded to the office...
The calico watched, precariously, from atop the file cabinet, not knowing what her mood might be that morning, as she went about the daily morning wake up ritual.
Although, she was a morning person, she needed her time, she wasn't capable of handling a conversation until her morning coffee was done. She had nothing to say, she needed to deal with herself.
The house was silent and she was pleased. She lifted her mug to her lips and felt a rough place, she didn't think much of it at the moment, there were emails to answers.
After several more sips of her morning coffee, it came to her...the mug was broken, well not exactly broken. But it was chipped. This mug that had been with her for over 12 years was chipped.
As she looked at the little rough place in the side of the mug, it came to her....It was much like her life.
Slowly it was chipped away, at times she felt broken. Chipped, when would be the next chip?

How much more would it take to be broken?


Broken? She's not really the type you can break, yet, she sat there that morning and wondered where she was headed. Could it be that she had come to the end of herself and it was time to make a decision?
Decisions always scared her and she always doubted her decision, even when she didn't want to.
And life had challenged her once again.....
Once again, she was faced with doubt and anguish about the next move, however she never ceased to consider first what it would do to someone else.
But at a point that a decision had to be made, she gave herself one more challenge!
Because that's what she lives for...the next challenge!

Do your realize........

Do you relize?


Everything I've gone through? Everything I've done? Everything I've ignored or put off?
Why are you still here? You seem oblivious to anything positive I've ever done that didn't concern you.
You seem oblivious unless it's directly related to you....


Can you tell someone exactly why you are still here? I wonder what you would say if asked?
Why do you keep coming back? I'd love to hear those answers. Why are you so unhappy?
Why are you still so unsettled???


Why don't she mean more to you? Why would you let her wonder?
Have you ever stopped to consider how she must feel without having a confirmation of your love?
Maybe you should. If you cared.....


Maybe you should consider why she would isolate herself, day after day from this life.
It's not likely that she hides from love, maybe more the opposite. Maybe she can't take any more hate, condemnation, ridicule....Maybe


Maybe she's hiding from the contempt and hatred she feels, but certainly not unconditional love or acceptance.

Maybe she feels like a child again, condemned to her room because no one wants to bother with her unless it benefits them. Maybe she's hiding again, maybe because she's taken all the pain she can possibly endure.


In her place, maybe, she finds solace and safety and comfort, Everything that's missing in the world around her.


Maybe there's no where else for her to go.....


So once again, she retreats, far far away and maybe this time, never to return.