Conditioned Thinking

I remember my childhood with lots of different memories, fortunately so many were fond. And those that werent, well there's been years of therapy for that.

Today I can only mostly recall being compared to my much smarter sister, who always made better grades than me, and of course, my attitude was the cause. Maybe it was, maybe it was that I had trouble focusing through the day, maybe I daydreamed too much. But really at the end of the 6 weeks all that mattered to me was that I had at least passed the semester and could move on to the next. I did realize that I had to at least pass each semester or I would be in a world of trouble.

As I advanced in years, this little 6 week report card approval/disapproval thing never changed, it was always the sister that got good grades and I got passing grades. I was often told I wasn't as smart. I was often told I was trying (which was probably right), though I was trying to AT LEAST Pass. But I understood I wasn't trying hard enough, I didn't care, I was passing the test at home.

By the time I was in high school, I really didn't believe I was smart. I didn't believe I could excell because I had been told most of my life that I didn't really try, that I didn't really care. In my senior year, for many different reasons, I set out to prove them wrong. And I did, many of them, all of them. When it was time for the sister and I to go to college, my goal was to always have the A that she came away with, and I did. But I wasn't because I was told I could do it, it was because someone had convinced me in my childhood and teenage years that I couldn't, they were able to do that by repeatly telling me I couldn't, until I believed them.

Much of life is this, we believe and learn what we are fed everyday single day, and if those aren't positive words it won't take long before we start to believe what people say to us. It doesn't challenge us to do different because we've done beat down so long that at some point, we begin to believe that we are actually worthless, lazy, dumb, etc. So why is there a reason to be different.

You see, we've already tried to be different but you continue telling us what we are, won't allow us to be anything other than that. You've told us so long what we are that we can't possibly decide anything else.

Hopefully, at some stage in our life, we all overcome this and realize that someone has conditioned our thinking to make themselves feel better, or were just really crappy people at motivation or encouragement. Whatever it is, we are not what someone else says about us, we are who we decide to be and we are the only ones that can decide that or make a judgement upon it and we need to own this!

I know you better than that, I know your soul. Some may know you better, but to know your soul, few will, because few cared. I know you, I know your games, I know your tricks, I know your means to get what you want. I know that you will say what you think needs to be said without ever meaning anything, other than that need you have at that exact moment.

I know that you can convince anyone of who you are, all the while, never really knowing who you are, I know that they will fall for it because it's a good spill, I also know the hell you will bring to them. Crushing, excruciating hell! I know you'll make excuses and blame them, because you've faced all the blame you can possibly take.

I know that you won't get better, that you'll not take another course of action, because you are comfortable where you are. That it suits you and you don't have to be accountable. I know this! I know that you'll mold yourself to fit and then do everything in your power to try to mold it to fit your world.

The sad part is that you've never bothered to find your own world, you take someone elses and run, as hard and as fast as you can, though you've been controlled your entire life and believe that's not your ambition, it's in fact your intent. Because you don't know any other way, to be your own if foreign or maybe even scary, so you resort to being the tormentor because that's what was done to you.

If this is you, please please, stand up, figure out who you are and how you go about figuring out where to go and how to make yourself happy, despite those you depend on for your formation. That's how it was meant to be, we don't have to be pleasers of people first, we need to be pleasers of ourselves first, and then find where we need to fit.

This day, this week (yes i understand it's only Monday) and the past 9 years have been stressing.

For the past month, I've known that change was coming, I could feel it like I feel the changes in the weather. I also know that not all change seems good. 

Yesterday afternoon I received that message that was rumored to come but couldn't believe it would. 

I needed that person to be accountable, responsible and committed. Yes, he bailed. It wasn't a love relationship, but it was someone who if nothing else allowed me to have one day off in my 60 hour work week.

I cried last night, not out of sadness for losing that person but just for the fact that I wouldn't have that one day for just me. 

At midnight last night I awoke, and I dont mean I woke for a bathroom break or a smoke break, I knew I was done with sleeping for the day. As I lay there wondering how I would get through the day, my mind reeled with what all I would have to cover this week, on top of what I already cover. Granted, I could do it, but I have other things in my life right now that seriously need some time.

There was a moment I felt like I had to chose between motherhood to my children or motherhood to a job and realistically this is what it is. I chose to choose Angie.

The void that I was faced with this morning has now been replaced with someone who deserves it more and someone who will actually cover me so that Angie can take care of her children if need be.

Stressed was not where I needed to be, but only by being put into that choice was I able to take a stand and be who i needed to be for the people I brought to earth, and to the people who I manage. 

In spite of no sleep and a very very long day, I feel victorious and a change for the positive was always right there before my eyes!

Its been awhile.....

That girl seems so far away from who I am now. I thought of abandoning this blog and starting a new one that was nothing but happy and content. But if not for the past, I would have never got to the happy and content.

There have many things in my life, I've had to leave behind. But I refuse to leave the parts that got me where I am today, so this blog stays up. It's mine and we've been through alot! :)

Through the days that tested everything I had, I made it. Through all the sabotages of my life, I made it. I am back to who I used to know....And I left every indecision I refused to make in the past, well, in the past.

I am where I want to be, I do what I want to do.

I look forward to my future now and mostly the fact that I'm not worried about another human making a decision about my life again. I am the only one that will be able to do that now!

This last year has taught me that you sometimes have to walk away from those that drain you, those that try to take you down with them, those that will never find TRUE happiness and those that refuse to search for happiness. They search for admiration, attention and anything that makes them feel the moment. They look for acceptance, regardless of the cost to themselves or someone else. They look for something they should only be looking inside for, while, totally oblivious to the only person that can give them what they need....themselves.

So I am on to the next chapter of my life and plan to blog more these next few years than ever.
Thank you for the support I've had!