Pay it forward

As the new year is upon us, I've spent most of the day thinking about what we give back. The pay it forward process. Mostly I've thought about those that forget to pay it forward.
I've spent alot of time giving and helping, I've often wondered why those I have helped haven't felt the need to pay it forward. They've taken and taken and improved their life and yet in the end when they were doing ok, I haven't seen them pay it forward. I haven't witnessed or known of them unselfishly giving back to someone else. As giving as I've been, it makes me want to take back my give to them! I dont give of myself or my hard earned money for anything back, but when I know that you are in a position to help someone else that is in need and instead of unselfishly helping, you are asking something ....well that just kinda irks me. Someone else has helped you and asked nothing in return, did you really already forget that? Someone else that helped you in some way had to do without or compromise to help you in that position and they did it without question and never made you feel like you owed anything, I expect that when the next person comes along that also needs that help, why are you taking from them and not giving back what you were glad was offered to you?
You may view your new found financial place as a blessing but I can promise you that if you do not give back what was unselfishly handed to you, you will soon see your position quickly decline and rightly so. Life isn't about taking and taking and never giving back, it's about doing what's right and when you are in the position to help someone that's trying to help themselves and you refuse to because that almightly dollar in your bank account has suddenly become your priority, well then the next time you need that help (and I promise you will) You'll suddenly find yourself in that same position that the person who needs your help now is the person you are Not helping.
I will continue to help those that need help, but because I haven't seen anyone that I have helped give back, you will absolutely not be on my list, the next time you need help. If you can't pay to someone else what I have unselfishly given you, then please don't ask for my help again.
I didn't make many new year resolution other than being in the will of God and having a better heart....And I know that giving is in the will of God, but I also believe that God would like me to expect that you give back what we gave you. So I'm adding this to my list of NY resolutions.
Give back! Someone once helped you in your need, someone gave their all. Where's your All? Shame on you!

Perfect Love

In my lifetime I guess I've experienced about every kind of love there is, I can honestly tell you that "perfect love" doesn't exist. But love eternally certainly does.
Maybe that counts for more than any other kind of love, consistency has alot to say about itself.
I've loved "truly" in my heart, loved....my husband since the day I first laid eyes on him. I was a mere 18 years old and my heart took over. We dont' have the perfect relationship, I sometimes think our children wonder what exactly it is, but someday hopefully they will also experience this "lifetime" kinda love. We can fight, we can be mad, we can be at our end, but still there's the "love". Can't just walk away, well you can, I did for 23 years, but the love dont stop. If you love someone in your life, if you truly love them, it can never ever go away. Love can't be a choice, it's not an elective you chose. It's usually against your will. True love doesn't go away, it doesn't fade. It stays FOREVER.....
If you can say I used to love him/her but I dont anymore, then you never loved. PERIOD.
To love, puts that person in your heart, and no matter what they do, no matter what happens, no matter how many years has passed, that love NEVER EVER leaves, it's like a tattoo upon your heart. Love is a permanent state.
We DO NOT have the ability to fall out of love, we fall in love, and NOTHING can take that away.
Ask that woman that hasn't seen the man she loved since she was 15 years old, yet 40 years have passed, if she cried silently in the shower the night that God called him home. Ask that man that went to his grave loving her.
What we do is move on, the heart dont stop. Life goes on (There's that ole saying) But the love never stops.

That time of year again

Yes, once again the holidays are upon us. The stress, the budgets or lack thereof, the planning, the attempting to please everyone....Wow, just writing that sentence was exhausting. :)
Yet, this year I find myself very much in spirit. This is odd for me as since the kids all left home and I dont get to see their bright gleeful faces Christmas Day, I dont take as much pleasure in Christmas as I used to.
This year I haven't fretted over the exact item, the exact amount of money to spend on each kid, not even the planning of the actual day...I only want to be with all my kids and grandkids this year. I don't care about giving or receiving gifts. I only care about sitting around a fire, with some grandkids climbed up in my lap and enjoying their precious few moments of happiness they give me.
I vision hot cocoa and fresh baked cookies and older kids playing games at the table, conversations around the sectional, laughter throughout the house. I see memories being made and new traditions started....
I only want to be with the kids for Christmas and I want all of them to be happy that today is the day that God gave us and that this family is our blessing from God, The good, the bad and the ugly. I want their hearts to swell and feel all warm and cozy within their family unit.
I want to bless a family that can't enjoy these feelings this year. I would gladly share mine, but it's hard to enjoy someone else's happiness when your life seems so bleak. I want one family that really needs me this year and I want to give them that small spark that life and people are still good and hopefully inspire the hope that they have lost. I pray that God sends that family to me so that I can help them.

So much Drama! Geez, I appreciate facebook, I love having family and friends and reconnecting and making new friends. I love having a family to turn to daily, for prayers, for guidance, advice...etc..
I haven't made my profile private because to be honest, I didn't expect that I would need to. I'll add who I want to add and ignore those I don't.
But inevitably there are people who see this whole facebook thing as a way into my life, my business and my family and friends. It's kinda sad for them that they have to resort to my facebook to make an appearance LOL, really, my life is NOT that interesting.
Get your own life, and most importantly worry about your own life. I'm living the life I chose to live and I'm very happy in it.
If and when I talk to my friends or family rest assured it has absolutely nothing to do with you, if it did, I'd just delete them and have a real life relationship with them, which I do anyway.
I'm where I want to be. I dont need to see your face on the side of my page, I don't need your "likes" on my comments, nor do I need a friend request from you and that won't ever change in the future.
Here's how I work, in the present, right here, right now. I have a lifetime of friends that I love. Most of them are on my page. I have a lifetime of family, they too are on my page. I dont randomly search for additions to my page, if someone requests me and I want them on my page, I add them. Period. If not, I ignore.
I wish for only positive, healthy relationships in my life and refuse to have anything else. "You" are not a positive in my life and we really have nothing to say to each other, I have no desire to see your page and I wish you'd lose the desire to see mine. Not that I have anything to hide, it seems I have what I wanted, maybe you are just jealous that you couldn't get it, I dont know.
Maybe you should let go of your fears, your lack of self esteem and the loss that you willingly took and worry about who "you" are and not "who" I am.
However, to satisfy your deep, immature need to know, here goes
I'm very happily married to the love of my life, I have a great career that I love. I have a great family that I'm very close to and spend as much time as I can with. I am living the dream, yes I am.....And it's a real dream, not one made up, not one I'm just content with but the real dream. Exactly where I want to be. It's not fake, it's not made up. My husband and I fight and argue over stupid crap, we work our butts off to get what we've got, we have a plan. We didn't settle for each other, we found each other.  Our love is real and it's eternal.
I dont need to impress you, I dont even need you to know my life. I live my life for me and mine, my suggestion to you is that you settle for the life you chose and stop trying to live in mine!

Change

She fell in love head first at 18 years old. She gave him her complete heart and never thought twice about it......
Our hearts are capable of love at a much earlier time that our heads and bodies are actually capable of dealing with such an emotion as "love"
We can love at such an early age because we haven't learned to let our heads interfer, we  haven't yet engaged solid thought. We don't know reservation, we dont know question, we are still truly capable of complete trust.

Of course he broke her heart completely into.....

She moved on, she loved again, and unknowlingly started the cycle of loving and hurting. It was years before that wall was finally built and absolutely in place. But once erected it was absolutely solid and safe.
It was there behind that wall, that she finally found complete and utter acceptance. She called it happiness. And in reality she probably was at the very least content! Her focus became her life, her career, her plans. Love wasn't really in her goals anymore, it wasn't in her list of searches. Life became better, goals and plans were being reached. Life was good.

Yet, love found her again.....maybe without her consent. It just happened. It was there and it felt ok to pursue. Bliss happened and Bliss died......She found herself in pain again, in angonizing, excruziating heart ripping pain. She had been tough for so much of her life that she thought she could heal herself and life did indeed go on. She found herself giving more and more chances, more and more of herself and her love.....nothing was happening different. No matter what she gave, Love was taking. And there was no return. The only thing that was consistent in her life was pain and hurt.

One day she awoke and though she still felt the love, she realized the pain and the yearning was gone. I think she knew that day that it was gone, at the very least, she was a different person. She felt a little numb, a little detached, and distant from the thing she knew as love.

Love is strong, even pain can't kill it. The love continues......
But she accepted in her heart that the love would remain......She just had to find a way to stop the pain.
The wall had been built again and it was stronger than it had ever been before!

The Final Death vs. The Chosen Death

A loss of someone you love is a terrible tragedy. A pain that cannot be comforted, and that only time and acceptance can help ease. Some losses are harder to accept than others. Some of our pain, anquish and grief is entensed by lack of acceptance from us before the passing.
When you lose someone it's permanent and life is without them until one day when we all meet again in heaven.
As deep as that pain is, there is nothing to do other than acceptance, there isn't anyway to take back or fix the relationship or speak the last words that you so desperately wish you could, it's final...
However people face loss everyday, maybe not death in the final state, but death still the same. Death to the relationship, way of life, etc.
And expect to deal with the pain and anquish and grief in the exact same manner as the death that is final, yet, it's not....
Sometimes the grief is exactly the same as if the person/relationship/lifestyle had died and been buried.
In some circumstances, I guess it's necessary to deal with it this way and it's probably the best way to heal.
But many many times, it's not!
Your chance is still there, you have to decide why the loss happened? You have to decide if the end is necessary or fair....
We aren't always given the luxury of having that choice of whether or not to fix it, as we find when we bury a loved one, but when we've suffered a loss that isn't final, it's a option to suffer.
So many times the loss is brought on by hurt feelings, or misplaced words or actions. It's a difference of opinion. It's lack of doing the right thing. But if you are still being given that option to "fix" a death that isn't final, I'd encourage you to explore what/why happened. I'd take a deep long look at my heart and ask myself what God would do and I'd think long and hard about whether or not this loss was worth the pain, anquish and grief I'm feeling.
I'd take my choice very serious. I'd start with forgiveness for whatever hurt you were caused.
Love isn't so easy to find, relationships built aren't so easily destroyed or forgotten and life is long and empty and lonely with unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment in our heart.

Pay it forward

We were driving out of Walmart parking lot. The man is sitting near the exit holding his sign...I don't recall the exact wording on the sign, but my sister and I both smiled. The beggar had a sense of humor about his financial state. As my sister turns the truck around, I dig through my purse, we didn't have much to give but his light attitude about his situation honestly made us rethink how fortunate we both were to at least have jobs even if we were struggling.
Too many times in life we focus so hard on our own hardships that we oversee a simple blessing like a weekly paycheck. We spend so much time in feeling sorry for ourselves, being upset this or that, did or didn't happen in our lives and blaming anything and anyone, all our energy is spent on that. Therefore none of our time ever actually goes to fixing what's wrong with us or our situation. When you allow yourself to continue on in that perpetual state of self pity or refusing to take the next step to turn things around, then you are drowning and you'll continue to sink until you can take that step to solid ground.
Once you give back, pay it forward.....you'll see that change that you've been wanting. But first you have to learn to start giving and not just taking. Its the perfect time of year to be a giver, look around for your opportunity to give back