I probably (Ok yes I do) do this too much. But for me it's the only way I know...I've never been one to harbor thoughts or opinions for someone else's sake. I need to say what I need to say. It's complete freedom for me and I dont need to harbor these thoughts in the back of my mind and alter who I really am or what I really want. I'm just better with it all being out there.
My niece Tiff come to spend the weekend with me, we didn't get to go fishing as we had planned because Hell, I live in Oklahoma and the weather can change from one second to the next...And change it did, we had a dusting of snow, while the rest of Oklahoma had snow banks and icicles. (So, see there are always things to be thankful for) But still I regret we didn't get to fish, both of us were really looking forward to it and even though we had an enjoyable weekend, this is one that we will definitely have to make up.
My dog Paulette ran away or got stolen and it totally breaks my heart. I feel so bad. I really did need her in my life. And I had just bought her new clothes and toys! Dammit!
I really really really miss my husband, he's been there for over a month and I am very sad without him. I'm ready to go out there but he wants me to wait for the kitchen to be finished (Haha, guess what he likes about me?)
And well since I'm unemployed, can't be with my husband I was thinking that tomorrow I could get up and drive....A road trip has been forming for months. My only regret is that I dont have a truck that would haul the RV...But I can still manage. I feel the ocean has been calling me. I have seen the west coast and it's beautiful, I have seen the coast of Texas, I haven't officially seen the east coast but with my husband having a place out there i'm sure I'll eventually see plenty of it...So maybe I should just drive west....I could drive til I was tired of driving and with no destination in mind, I have no deadlines to meet. Maybe see some of Arizona, maybe some of Vegas (LOL) Ok well maybe some of Nevada. I just know that I'm idle at the moment and I dont do idle very well. So dont be surprised if sometime next week my blogs are coming from another state>
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The next step..
As I sit here on a chilly, not so sunny and cheerful Sunday morning, I try to re-group my thoughts and feelings. The crossroads in life do that to us. That moment that your previous thoughts fall to the way side. And it may only be one small, simple little thing that brought this about, but sitting there waiting for something to happen will not get you prepared to begin the next journey.
So many of us have a plan, we build our careers, buy our homes and raise our families. We expect that tomorrow morning, our job will be there, our home will be safe and our children will grow up to be productive respectful citizens. Many of us now are having to face that in the morning we may not be going to work, there may be no work. For those who have already passed the worry stage and havent worked in a very long time, we are now wondering about the stability of what we call home, our childrens college funds, and our retirment package.
Now is the time to re-group. Maybe we wont retire at 60, maybe we won't be able to fund a college career. This is not the time to give up hope, this is the to begin again. A fresh new plan. A revamping of ideas and I would definitely recommend leaving every previous thought behind and keeping an open mind to WHAT you COULD do VS What WILL I DO??
There are always two choices, I crammed this into my childrens brains when they were just small little beings. And for those two choices, there is always two consequences. This law of life can't be altered. It's as black and white as things come.
I like to think that in 5 years, I'll still be able to retire. But I now have to find a different opportunity to do it. I now have to rethink how or where I'll do this, and I might have to change my time-line, my career choice or my location to get this done. To me it would be worth the sacrifice to save some of my goals. It's not in the doing, but in the HOW you get it done.
This path of thought can be and should be applied to many areas in our life. A career change, a location change, or just a change in the relationships in your life.
I've been at points in my life that I had to choose what kind of relationship I would have with someone that I didn't necessarily want "out" of my life but I also didn't want them to be the role model their title assumed them to be. We decide this.
My 17 year old daughter has wrestled for many years with what kind of relationship to have with her bio mom. She's a little girl, so, of course, she expected it to be the kind of mother/daughter relationship that prepares you to be a mother yourself. Unfortunately she didn't have that with her mother. She learned disappointment at a young age. She would give up during those times when Mom didn't call, didn't show, didn't express love...But then the phone would ring and it would be Mom, Mom was sorry, Mom was promising to do better, Mom was back to give some false hope. You eventually get it. Sorry if it's not pretty, but it's just Mom and she's struggling with her own demons. You learn how much of yourself is safe to give to someone else...You decide the relationship. You can't change the fact that someone is your biological parent but you can control the amount of harm you allow them to do to you.
I have a family member that just wants to be part of their large family,they want the family to act loving and caring...It ain't always happening for them. But they can't get themself to stop risking the harm that the dsyfuntion does to their family by choosing to decide the relationship.
Again, it is as simple as changing your thoughts, your expectations and your direction.
There are times in life when walking away from all you've know, all you've thought is the best move you could ever make. Make up a new script for your life, one in which you are the star. Choose only the lessons that are substantial to this new person you yearn to be, leave the rest behind.
We are responsible only for "Our" next step...
So many of us have a plan, we build our careers, buy our homes and raise our families. We expect that tomorrow morning, our job will be there, our home will be safe and our children will grow up to be productive respectful citizens. Many of us now are having to face that in the morning we may not be going to work, there may be no work. For those who have already passed the worry stage and havent worked in a very long time, we are now wondering about the stability of what we call home, our childrens college funds, and our retirment package.
Now is the time to re-group. Maybe we wont retire at 60, maybe we won't be able to fund a college career. This is not the time to give up hope, this is the to begin again. A fresh new plan. A revamping of ideas and I would definitely recommend leaving every previous thought behind and keeping an open mind to WHAT you COULD do VS What WILL I DO??
There are always two choices, I crammed this into my childrens brains when they were just small little beings. And for those two choices, there is always two consequences. This law of life can't be altered. It's as black and white as things come.
I like to think that in 5 years, I'll still be able to retire. But I now have to find a different opportunity to do it. I now have to rethink how or where I'll do this, and I might have to change my time-line, my career choice or my location to get this done. To me it would be worth the sacrifice to save some of my goals. It's not in the doing, but in the HOW you get it done.
This path of thought can be and should be applied to many areas in our life. A career change, a location change, or just a change in the relationships in your life.
I've been at points in my life that I had to choose what kind of relationship I would have with someone that I didn't necessarily want "out" of my life but I also didn't want them to be the role model their title assumed them to be. We decide this.
My 17 year old daughter has wrestled for many years with what kind of relationship to have with her bio mom. She's a little girl, so, of course, she expected it to be the kind of mother/daughter relationship that prepares you to be a mother yourself. Unfortunately she didn't have that with her mother. She learned disappointment at a young age. She would give up during those times when Mom didn't call, didn't show, didn't express love...But then the phone would ring and it would be Mom, Mom was sorry, Mom was promising to do better, Mom was back to give some false hope. You eventually get it. Sorry if it's not pretty, but it's just Mom and she's struggling with her own demons. You learn how much of yourself is safe to give to someone else...You decide the relationship. You can't change the fact that someone is your biological parent but you can control the amount of harm you allow them to do to you.
I have a family member that just wants to be part of their large family,they want the family to act loving and caring...It ain't always happening for them. But they can't get themself to stop risking the harm that the dsyfuntion does to their family by choosing to decide the relationship.
Again, it is as simple as changing your thoughts, your expectations and your direction.
There are times in life when walking away from all you've know, all you've thought is the best move you could ever make. Make up a new script for your life, one in which you are the star. Choose only the lessons that are substantial to this new person you yearn to be, leave the rest behind.
We are responsible only for "Our" next step...
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunshine
I relish in the sunshine, to me it's the best seasons there are. I want my life to be like sunshine, always warm and cosy, though most of us miss the sunshine. And I dont mean a yearning in our heart for it, but that we are blinded by the fog of our brain to realize that we are in moments of sunshine.
We pick all the rays til the sunshine just isn't there anymore, and it really can't be, cause like I said, we've picked it all away. We've taken every little ray that was offered and turned it into storms.
It's very hard for me to understand why we do that to ourselves, I know we do and I know that some of us try so hard to hang on to the life we've known as normal that we never find our own life. I guess if all you've known in your life is storms then the sunshine is a little scary. I know people that know their childhoods and current lifestyles were dyfunctional, yet still live the same lifestyle??? Yeah, that's confusing to me.
I'm far from perfect, actually I used to be that person I'm talking about....I guess you have to have an awakening moment, for me that was the day that I realized that I was totally alone. My youngest daughter's father had passed on and I was faced with raising her totally on my own. It's not like being a single mother was foreign to me, that wasn't my fear. It was that i wouldn't be able to supply all her emotional needs. The ones that comes from knowing your father. I cried for hours that day, and when the tears stopped, I knew that it was time to find a different lifestyle, to find a different path than the one I had to this point ventured. I guess that was my turning point. And I looked hard for who I really was, and what I really wanted to come away with and how I wanted to someday look back on the past.
I didn't do things perfectly, but that was my start. That was the day that I began seeking my sunshine and avoiding the storms.
We pick all the rays til the sunshine just isn't there anymore, and it really can't be, cause like I said, we've picked it all away. We've taken every little ray that was offered and turned it into storms.
It's very hard for me to understand why we do that to ourselves, I know we do and I know that some of us try so hard to hang on to the life we've known as normal that we never find our own life. I guess if all you've known in your life is storms then the sunshine is a little scary. I know people that know their childhoods and current lifestyles were dyfunctional, yet still live the same lifestyle??? Yeah, that's confusing to me.
I'm far from perfect, actually I used to be that person I'm talking about....I guess you have to have an awakening moment, for me that was the day that I realized that I was totally alone. My youngest daughter's father had passed on and I was faced with raising her totally on my own. It's not like being a single mother was foreign to me, that wasn't my fear. It was that i wouldn't be able to supply all her emotional needs. The ones that comes from knowing your father. I cried for hours that day, and when the tears stopped, I knew that it was time to find a different lifestyle, to find a different path than the one I had to this point ventured. I guess that was my turning point. And I looked hard for who I really was, and what I really wanted to come away with and how I wanted to someday look back on the past.
I didn't do things perfectly, but that was my start. That was the day that I began seeking my sunshine and avoiding the storms.
I stole this....
Ok, as I was surfing blogs I found a new survey. Those of us that feel uncontrollably compelled to fill these in are sick of the usual questions so as this one has a new wider, deep thought content, I thought I would post it. I'd give the other blogger credit, but I can't remember where I found him and he stole it too so what the hell...
1. What would you have on your headstone?
Hopefully mine will read..."Angela Walker, Mother to many, Nana to at least a dozen, Lover of family, life and God. Fullfilled all her dreams. Left many memories and happy thoughts.
2. What is your dream car?
Well, I think my "i've made it car" will be a Navigator, so when you see me driving one, you'll know that I've done all that I set out to do and am now just enjoying where I'm at.
3. Is pornography morally wrong?
Absolutely it is, sex should be between two ppl and only those two ppl should experience it. But have we all watched it, Probably
4. Write the opening line of a wonderful novel...
Man, if I could do this, I might have already been published, but here goes
"In the deep recesses of her mind, she could recall his bright blue eyes and the agony of her last words, as she turned and walked away"
5.Best music video ever?
In my delusional fantasies, it's still "Footloose"
6. If you had a big lottery win, how long would you wait to tell people?
I've thought of this often as I know I must be prepared for the day that I pull the winning numbers and want to do this exactly right (LOL) I would wait for a few days for the shock to wear off, I would pack an overnight bag and drive to pick up the money. (I might have already set up a bling trust to keep it hidden from everyone that would be out to just get what they can get) I would trust one person to go with, though I dont know who that would be right now. Upon returning home I would gather the immediate family and tell them to pack for a long family vacation. I dont know if i would ever tell them that I hit it big, I would just let them find out when the will was read maybe hehe
7.Do you carry a donor card? Why or Why not?
I don't, though I've directed my family to release them upon my death. I do believe that in a accident, if you've got 8 good organs, the docs would be hard pressed to let you die and save 8 others.
8. Where would you like to retire?
Well, I'm not particular about a certain state, but rathar it be somewhere close to my family
9.What is something you wish you were better at?
umm....being a taker, I guess
10. What color do you prefer your pens to be?
Black
11. Is your driver's license current?
No, LOL I've been back to Oklahoma for over two years and am still carrying a tx dl...I need to get that fixed this week
12. What magazine subscriptions do you have?
Food and Family, Better Homes and Gardens, Taste of Home, Food Arts, The Christian Woman, Readers Digest, Field and Stream (I dont know why this one is coming, I didn't subscribe)
13. What is your favorite shape?
definitely a cross for me
14. Last thing you microwaved?
Chicken wraps for the kids
15. What book are you currently reading?
"Whose pushing your buttons?"
16. What's your boot style?
Mine is Fat Babies and Justins but I really love all boots, really I do
17. Can you be bought?
Well I can't be..but I do know lots of people that base whether their loved or not by how well their living their life
18.Cite a song lyric that means something to you
You were meant to play your part in the design of a desperate heart, and while you were gave your love to me , I was betting I was getting it free. oh if I'd only known , ahhh, what your heart cost. oh can we call it a loan and a debt that I owe on a bet that I lost
19. Are you currently among the employed?
Actually Im not and being home since the last of Jan, I think it's probably time to rejoin the work force
20.Decribe yourself in 5 words:
Wow 1. Independent 2. Stable 3. Loving, giving person 4. Achiever 5. Truthful
21. Where do you find your balance?
Within a strong family unit, a secure job and a comfortable loving warm home
22. If you planted a garden?
Well, I do have the start of a potted garden on the back deck, some cherry tomatoes, I'm gonna add some green onions, cucumbers and peppers. Maybe something else, I haven't decided
23. What is the oldest thing you own?
umm...besides me? LOL I owe a little plastic, squeeking Cupie Doll that my Aunt Judy bought for me when my mom was still pregnant with me
24. If I were a boy....
LMAO...I could answer this in so many ways, first and foremost I'd rearrange my balls.....Enough said?
1. What would you have on your headstone?
Hopefully mine will read..."Angela Walker, Mother to many, Nana to at least a dozen, Lover of family, life and God. Fullfilled all her dreams. Left many memories and happy thoughts.
2. What is your dream car?
Well, I think my "i've made it car" will be a Navigator, so when you see me driving one, you'll know that I've done all that I set out to do and am now just enjoying where I'm at.
3. Is pornography morally wrong?
Absolutely it is, sex should be between two ppl and only those two ppl should experience it. But have we all watched it, Probably
4. Write the opening line of a wonderful novel...
Man, if I could do this, I might have already been published, but here goes
"In the deep recesses of her mind, she could recall his bright blue eyes and the agony of her last words, as she turned and walked away"
5.Best music video ever?
In my delusional fantasies, it's still "Footloose"
6. If you had a big lottery win, how long would you wait to tell people?
I've thought of this often as I know I must be prepared for the day that I pull the winning numbers and want to do this exactly right (LOL) I would wait for a few days for the shock to wear off, I would pack an overnight bag and drive to pick up the money. (I might have already set up a bling trust to keep it hidden from everyone that would be out to just get what they can get) I would trust one person to go with, though I dont know who that would be right now. Upon returning home I would gather the immediate family and tell them to pack for a long family vacation. I dont know if i would ever tell them that I hit it big, I would just let them find out when the will was read maybe hehe
7.Do you carry a donor card? Why or Why not?
I don't, though I've directed my family to release them upon my death. I do believe that in a accident, if you've got 8 good organs, the docs would be hard pressed to let you die and save 8 others.
8. Where would you like to retire?
Well, I'm not particular about a certain state, but rathar it be somewhere close to my family
9.What is something you wish you were better at?
umm....being a taker, I guess
10. What color do you prefer your pens to be?
Black
11. Is your driver's license current?
No, LOL I've been back to Oklahoma for over two years and am still carrying a tx dl...I need to get that fixed this week
12. What magazine subscriptions do you have?
Food and Family, Better Homes and Gardens, Taste of Home, Food Arts, The Christian Woman, Readers Digest, Field and Stream (I dont know why this one is coming, I didn't subscribe)
13. What is your favorite shape?
definitely a cross for me
14. Last thing you microwaved?
Chicken wraps for the kids
15. What book are you currently reading?
"Whose pushing your buttons?"
16. What's your boot style?
Mine is Fat Babies and Justins but I really love all boots, really I do
17. Can you be bought?
Well I can't be..but I do know lots of people that base whether their loved or not by how well their living their life
18.Cite a song lyric that means something to you
You were meant to play your part in the design of a desperate heart, and while you were gave your love to me , I was betting I was getting it free. oh if I'd only known , ahhh, what your heart cost. oh can we call it a loan and a debt that I owe on a bet that I lost
19. Are you currently among the employed?
Actually Im not and being home since the last of Jan, I think it's probably time to rejoin the work force
20.Decribe yourself in 5 words:
Wow 1. Independent 2. Stable 3. Loving, giving person 4. Achiever 5. Truthful
21. Where do you find your balance?
Within a strong family unit, a secure job and a comfortable loving warm home
22. If you planted a garden?
Well, I do have the start of a potted garden on the back deck, some cherry tomatoes, I'm gonna add some green onions, cucumbers and peppers. Maybe something else, I haven't decided
23. What is the oldest thing you own?
umm...besides me? LOL I owe a little plastic, squeeking Cupie Doll that my Aunt Judy bought for me when my mom was still pregnant with me
24. If I were a boy....
LMAO...I could answer this in so many ways, first and foremost I'd rearrange my balls.....Enough said?
I'm not a cowgirl...
Though I play one on TV. (Sorry i couldn't resist) Let me move forward, I act, talk and dress as a cowgirl. I dont wear a hat, but Im almost always in a pair of boots, jeans and dont forget the all important belt. I dont know why that's my style. Mom says that I always insisted that I was wearing a pair of boots. There are pictures of me and my cousin Kim, standing side by side. She's all pretty and feminine in her little puffy dress. I'm in jeans and boots.
I "rode" a bull once (for about 2 seconds) when I was 14 years old. A friends older brother dared me. I'm not one to back down from a dare.
I wasn't raised on a farm or a ranch, I wasn't raised around a bunch of "cowboys". Though my Bio Dad was absolutely 100% cowboy, I didn't even meet him til I was 17 so I can't even blame it on that.
But I was raised around a bunch of "good-ole" boys. Simple things in life, loving what God gave us, whooping out a great big "ye-haw" was nothing new to my childhood. It was not unusual at a family gathering to round up some wood and start a campfire, someone usually had a guitar and would start strumming a tune. Some gospel, some Merle, some Gene Autry (Yeah I realize that most of you have probably never heard a tune from old Gene)
As I became a teenager, as most of us do, I tried to run from the cycles of life, the ancestors ways. The ole cowboy way was embarrassing in a little oil and gas town that mostly partied and I didn't fit in as a cowgirl (Though I never gave up the boots) So I adapted my lifestyle to that of the rock and roller (LOL) I did that good too, at least for a while, but I learned that I missed the simple good things in life....The pastures, the wildflowers, the fellowship over a good bbq and just someone thinking its ok to stay up and watch a sunrise, not because you are flying high and can't sleep but because life is so good, you want to be able to add this to your list of accomplishments.
As I come back around to the lifestyle that I grew up with, I found that life was simpler, more real and more pleasant...But mostly more peaceful.
We all fit in some kind of mold, we all can labeled into a category but I'm not big on categories so I dont place much emphasis on what you are labeled, only what's inside your heart is what matters to me.
I'm a city girl with a country heart, but that doesn't make me a cowgirl.
I "rode" a bull once (for about 2 seconds) when I was 14 years old. A friends older brother dared me. I'm not one to back down from a dare.
I wasn't raised on a farm or a ranch, I wasn't raised around a bunch of "cowboys". Though my Bio Dad was absolutely 100% cowboy, I didn't even meet him til I was 17 so I can't even blame it on that.
But I was raised around a bunch of "good-ole" boys. Simple things in life, loving what God gave us, whooping out a great big "ye-haw" was nothing new to my childhood. It was not unusual at a family gathering to round up some wood and start a campfire, someone usually had a guitar and would start strumming a tune. Some gospel, some Merle, some Gene Autry (Yeah I realize that most of you have probably never heard a tune from old Gene)
As I became a teenager, as most of us do, I tried to run from the cycles of life, the ancestors ways. The ole cowboy way was embarrassing in a little oil and gas town that mostly partied and I didn't fit in as a cowgirl (Though I never gave up the boots) So I adapted my lifestyle to that of the rock and roller (LOL) I did that good too, at least for a while, but I learned that I missed the simple good things in life....The pastures, the wildflowers, the fellowship over a good bbq and just someone thinking its ok to stay up and watch a sunrise, not because you are flying high and can't sleep but because life is so good, you want to be able to add this to your list of accomplishments.
As I come back around to the lifestyle that I grew up with, I found that life was simpler, more real and more pleasant...But mostly more peaceful.
We all fit in some kind of mold, we all can labeled into a category but I'm not big on categories so I dont place much emphasis on what you are labeled, only what's inside your heart is what matters to me.
I'm a city girl with a country heart, but that doesn't make me a cowgirl.
If you have to ask?....
You know that old saying, You won't know til you ask? Well, I've always found to be blatantly right. I've never been afraid of asking the question as I'd rathar know than not know, even when the answer isn't what I want to hear. I hate wondering about things, I need to have order in my life and in order to do that I have to know who's in my life and what they are thinking, what's their expectations, especially if it specifically concerns me. Not knowing the next step just puts your life on hold.
A friend was once consoling me about a heartbreak, after saying I didn't know what to do next, because I couldn't figure out what they were thinking, she asked the all time most important question I've ever heard. "Why are you waiting for someone else to make decisions about your life?" At last the sun shined down. I felt pretty ridiculous at that moment because she was exactly right and I had been so foolish to even consider letting someone else make a decision about my life and my heart and my feelings. I've often used this question to many that were seeking advice from me, it seems to be the most self-explantory answer.
So with all that said, I still say, you'll never know without asking. But if you dont get an answer, let that be the answer within itself. If someone can't give you a straight answer, that means the answer is there and they are just hoping you'll figure it out yourself. If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer. You are in charge of your life, your direction and how it ends. Dont give the final decision to someone that can't or won't answer.
A friend was once consoling me about a heartbreak, after saying I didn't know what to do next, because I couldn't figure out what they were thinking, she asked the all time most important question I've ever heard. "Why are you waiting for someone else to make decisions about your life?" At last the sun shined down. I felt pretty ridiculous at that moment because she was exactly right and I had been so foolish to even consider letting someone else make a decision about my life and my heart and my feelings. I've often used this question to many that were seeking advice from me, it seems to be the most self-explantory answer.
So with all that said, I still say, you'll never know without asking. But if you dont get an answer, let that be the answer within itself. If someone can't give you a straight answer, that means the answer is there and they are just hoping you'll figure it out yourself. If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer. You are in charge of your life, your direction and how it ends. Dont give the final decision to someone that can't or won't answer.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I love....
- I love rainy days or nights, providing only that I dont have to driving in it, I enjoy sitting outside hearing the rain beat on a tin roof of a back porch...or the bedroom window, cause I've just decided that I'm NOT getting out of bed that day
- I love being a Nana, being that important to little people, surpasses any feeling I've ever experienced.
- I love family reunions, sitting around the camp fire and sharing stories, passing the bottle, playing with the kiddos,whatever it entails, I love it!
- I love watching my grown children interact within their own families, knowing that a little of our life has carried into that
- I love BBQ's, friends, family and even strangers gathered together for a meal, a conversation and just good guaranteed times
- I love dancing, throwing around the dance floor, no cares, no worries, just moving with no reason
- I Love me some dirt roads, cold beer and a great companion
- I love visiting with my Grandmother and hearing her wisdom, sometimes her rantings, her ravings, I treasure each word she speaks
- I love the feeling after a 18 hour day putting a function together when the boss comes and says "Good Job, let's go have a beer"
- I love a day at the lake, river or pond, my pole immersed into the deep water and the little/big nibbles coming along and hopefully pulling the biggest one out before the day ends
- I love the warm afternoon sitting in the sun, watching the flowers grow, having great conversation and maybe a cold beer
- I love accomplishing a job, ending it with a job well done and a new knowledge that I can do whatever I want to do
- I love sharing life, someone seeing what love is really about because you took the time to show them
- I love my big comfy bed, the warm covers, the comfort that laying down gives and the security that I am tucked safely in at night
- I love my kiddos, each and every one of them and the fact that nothing can take them away from me...I love each individual aspect to them.
- I love my husband, his tender gentle soul that has become so important to me.
- I love a long walk in the spring, down the drive, street or on the shore, watching what God has given us one more time.
- I love life!!
19 Second short term memory
I've often heard that babies are only capable of a memory span of 19 seconds..those of you that are geeks can go ahead and look this up. I haven't and dont feel the need to in order to write this blog, it's just what I've been told before.
Just think how nice that would be, you'd still learn the necessary life lessons, as in dont touch, it's hot...I'm hungry, get food...I'm pissed, scream and throw a fit. But you'd quickly forget what really hurt you. You'd forget the pain that life sometimes causes, you'd forget exactly why you had that fit a few seconds ago. You'd forget that someone that you love is capable of hurting you to a depth you've never known.
I think we would only remember the important things that we need to take with us in order to grow. You'd still remember Mom and Dad and the people that you loved, but everything else would be left in that time of space or whereever it goes.
So I sit here and wonder why exactly is it important for our short term memory to hold on to this stuff? Wouldn't life just be a lot more pleasant if we didn't carry it around? I'm thinking there is some logical reason for this but still....
If the boss is an ass to you one morning, that afternoon you've forgotten the altercation and can pleasantly say "Hello, how are you?", without harboring thoughts about his/her ruin...
Maybe we would never have internal baggage that creates problems for us the next time around. Maybe we would never harm our children, or abuse our spouse. Simply because we couldn't remember a period of hurt in our life.
Would we grow? I dont know, I fully doubt we would become the deep, well rounded, people that most of inspire to be. Maybe we would walk around like zombies...would that make us totally incapable of developing long term feelings for someone, having a family connection, being able to commit to a career?
With all that said, I think that we would be better served if it were possible to copy that thought, when you feel pain because of someone else, you could decide to only hold on to it for 19 seconds, is that long enough to process it and remove it? I dont know, but I do know that we spend entirely too much time on our past pain and some of us never move past it.
Just think how nice that would be, you'd still learn the necessary life lessons, as in dont touch, it's hot...I'm hungry, get food...I'm pissed, scream and throw a fit. But you'd quickly forget what really hurt you. You'd forget the pain that life sometimes causes, you'd forget exactly why you had that fit a few seconds ago. You'd forget that someone that you love is capable of hurting you to a depth you've never known.
I think we would only remember the important things that we need to take with us in order to grow. You'd still remember Mom and Dad and the people that you loved, but everything else would be left in that time of space or whereever it goes.
So I sit here and wonder why exactly is it important for our short term memory to hold on to this stuff? Wouldn't life just be a lot more pleasant if we didn't carry it around? I'm thinking there is some logical reason for this but still....
If the boss is an ass to you one morning, that afternoon you've forgotten the altercation and can pleasantly say "Hello, how are you?", without harboring thoughts about his/her ruin...
Maybe we would never have internal baggage that creates problems for us the next time around. Maybe we would never harm our children, or abuse our spouse. Simply because we couldn't remember a period of hurt in our life.
Would we grow? I dont know, I fully doubt we would become the deep, well rounded, people that most of inspire to be. Maybe we would walk around like zombies...would that make us totally incapable of developing long term feelings for someone, having a family connection, being able to commit to a career?
With all that said, I think that we would be better served if it were possible to copy that thought, when you feel pain because of someone else, you could decide to only hold on to it for 19 seconds, is that long enough to process it and remove it? I dont know, but I do know that we spend entirely too much time on our past pain and some of us never move past it.
You can't please everyone...
I started my coffee, took out the dog, lit a cigarette, returned to get coffee and sat down here in front of the computer, and I thought about all I am expected to do this week.
Trying to find the perfect order (it seems Im a little anal like that) to get through the week with the least resistance from my over zealous brain that is in constant need to organization. The list isn't what's bothering me, it's some people's expectations of me and everyone else.
I want to make everything right for everybody (hence failed marriages) by nature Im a fixer. But in some things you just can't be held responsible for the repair of bad attitude, guidance or the inability to have a happy life.
Plagued with this knowledge this morning that someone needs me to fix something for them, I ponder what I could do. And I know that in reality, this is not my deal, it is theirs. Solidly, completely theirs and I could attempt to make it right for them, but that would only be a temporary fix...The real root would still be there and eventually surface at a later time.
So, today I've decided that I won't play the role of repairman.
If this is your life, isn't it about time you stopped playing the role? Are you an enabler? Need to control someone's life to the point that you don't know where theirs stops and yours end? Many of us find ourselves in these situations. Some find that we are the ones that are in need of repair...If that's the case then it's up to you to fix what's ailing you. If things aren't right in your life, have you looked inside? Have you tried to find the root of the cause?
The start is the ability to look freshly at the situation....and for those of us that enable, it's the ability to say "NO"
I know a couple who have had a long string of "bad luck", at least that's how they see it. They spend all their time thinking what others could, should or can do for them. I rarely see them taking responsibility for their own life, I rarely see them looking at their life and thinking what's best for them and their family. And they absolutely dont consider that a change in their life could bring about the positive. They'd rathar blame "WHY" their life is the way it is.
The greatest lesson I've come away with is that there is only one person that you can look at and find fault in if your life isn't where you hoped it to be, that is yourself.
If you find today, that you are sad, disappointed, overwhelmed, over burdened. Ask yourself this, who exactly has control in your life? And I'm pretty sure, if you found of these things wrong this morning, your answer won't be yourself, and that's the first and most important change you need to make. Decide TODAY to make the changes you need to be happy in your life!
Trying to find the perfect order (it seems Im a little anal like that) to get through the week with the least resistance from my over zealous brain that is in constant need to organization. The list isn't what's bothering me, it's some people's expectations of me and everyone else.
I want to make everything right for everybody (hence failed marriages) by nature Im a fixer. But in some things you just can't be held responsible for the repair of bad attitude, guidance or the inability to have a happy life.
Plagued with this knowledge this morning that someone needs me to fix something for them, I ponder what I could do. And I know that in reality, this is not my deal, it is theirs. Solidly, completely theirs and I could attempt to make it right for them, but that would only be a temporary fix...The real root would still be there and eventually surface at a later time.
So, today I've decided that I won't play the role of repairman.
If this is your life, isn't it about time you stopped playing the role? Are you an enabler? Need to control someone's life to the point that you don't know where theirs stops and yours end? Many of us find ourselves in these situations. Some find that we are the ones that are in need of repair...If that's the case then it's up to you to fix what's ailing you. If things aren't right in your life, have you looked inside? Have you tried to find the root of the cause?
The start is the ability to look freshly at the situation....and for those of us that enable, it's the ability to say "NO"
I know a couple who have had a long string of "bad luck", at least that's how they see it. They spend all their time thinking what others could, should or can do for them. I rarely see them taking responsibility for their own life, I rarely see them looking at their life and thinking what's best for them and their family. And they absolutely dont consider that a change in their life could bring about the positive. They'd rathar blame "WHY" their life is the way it is.
The greatest lesson I've come away with is that there is only one person that you can look at and find fault in if your life isn't where you hoped it to be, that is yourself.
If you find today, that you are sad, disappointed, overwhelmed, over burdened. Ask yourself this, who exactly has control in your life? And I'm pretty sure, if you found of these things wrong this morning, your answer won't be yourself, and that's the first and most important change you need to make. Decide TODAY to make the changes you need to be happy in your life!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
That's what I think
My husband mentioned that I should change the summary of this blog, but I can't...And the reason I can't is because my thoughts really are random for the most part....
I wish I could name my blog one appropriate thing and stay on subject but my life has never or probably ever will be that structured. So it's just easier to say Random thoughts, and then you guys aren't so surprised.
I'm tired of blogging about life lessons, hell who needs them from me. Im no expert, though I still think I can give pretty good advice.
Im just gonna go for a pretty out there kinda blog tonight, now I know that a true writer has a beginning, a meaning and an end. Just bear with me, you probably aren't gonna find that here tonight.
I have a new dog, her name is Paulette. She's very adorable. A Maltese this time. I guess empty nest has set in and I really need someone to take care of. I miss my kiddos being at home, I miss that more than I can say. Those of you still raising little ones, it's hard to believe but it's incredibly sad when they are no longer home, even if you just want them there to yell at LOL
My husband is in NC, and I miss him dearly. He's working on finishing the kitchen and I know that's for me, he could care less about a kitchen. But I'm grateful that he knows that's important to me. Though we haven't been married that long, we were thrown together in a motel for months and months and even as lovely as that sounds, sometimes it wasn't so pretty LOL and I miss even those ulgy times. I mean, have you ever seen my husband smile? Its a melting pot. I miss you baby!!! And I'm ready to see my other kids out there too and little Ady...I can't wait to spend time with them.
I dont know what's goin to happen with us, hubby had a successful business and graciously decided to do the oil and gas thing, now that that's over. We have hopes to restart his business but the as you all know the economy really sucks right now. With God's grace we will still be okay.
I have my second to the youngest grandbaby tonight, shes safely tucked into Nana's huge king size bed and I know I'll sleep soundly with her by my side. She's an incredibly funny little girl, she's wise beyond her years, but then she takes after her momma in that way. Jenn was a fun kid, Liza definitely follows suit there.
I expect to head to NC sometime in the next couple weeks, I think my husband is about ready for that. And Chels has a prom later in April that I want to be there for. I have to be back here in May for Tiff's wedding and Trav and I are going with Darrell and Sarah on a cruise in June...We are definitely busy unemployed people lol....It'll be fun though. We didn't get much of a honeymoon when we got married, we drove to Tx to pick up our new RV and then headed back this way to prepare for work and that's mostly what we've done since we've been married, so on this cruise I most definitely plan to take the honeymoon attitude with me.
LIfe will be hard trying to live between two places I suppose...but it can be done. At least that's what I think.
I wish I could name my blog one appropriate thing and stay on subject but my life has never or probably ever will be that structured. So it's just easier to say Random thoughts, and then you guys aren't so surprised.
I'm tired of blogging about life lessons, hell who needs them from me. Im no expert, though I still think I can give pretty good advice.
Im just gonna go for a pretty out there kinda blog tonight, now I know that a true writer has a beginning, a meaning and an end. Just bear with me, you probably aren't gonna find that here tonight.
I have a new dog, her name is Paulette. She's very adorable. A Maltese this time. I guess empty nest has set in and I really need someone to take care of. I miss my kiddos being at home, I miss that more than I can say. Those of you still raising little ones, it's hard to believe but it's incredibly sad when they are no longer home, even if you just want them there to yell at LOL
My husband is in NC, and I miss him dearly. He's working on finishing the kitchen and I know that's for me, he could care less about a kitchen. But I'm grateful that he knows that's important to me. Though we haven't been married that long, we were thrown together in a motel for months and months and even as lovely as that sounds, sometimes it wasn't so pretty LOL and I miss even those ulgy times. I mean, have you ever seen my husband smile? Its a melting pot. I miss you baby!!! And I'm ready to see my other kids out there too and little Ady...I can't wait to spend time with them.
I dont know what's goin to happen with us, hubby had a successful business and graciously decided to do the oil and gas thing, now that that's over. We have hopes to restart his business but the as you all know the economy really sucks right now. With God's grace we will still be okay.
I have my second to the youngest grandbaby tonight, shes safely tucked into Nana's huge king size bed and I know I'll sleep soundly with her by my side. She's an incredibly funny little girl, she's wise beyond her years, but then she takes after her momma in that way. Jenn was a fun kid, Liza definitely follows suit there.
I expect to head to NC sometime in the next couple weeks, I think my husband is about ready for that. And Chels has a prom later in April that I want to be there for. I have to be back here in May for Tiff's wedding and Trav and I are going with Darrell and Sarah on a cruise in June...We are definitely busy unemployed people lol....It'll be fun though. We didn't get much of a honeymoon when we got married, we drove to Tx to pick up our new RV and then headed back this way to prepare for work and that's mostly what we've done since we've been married, so on this cruise I most definitely plan to take the honeymoon attitude with me.
LIfe will be hard trying to live between two places I suppose...but it can be done. At least that's what I think.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Is your life blessed?
My husband has often commented how he has seen the favor that God has bestowed upon me. Had he been here 20 years ago he would have seen my life in a different light. I am indeed blessed but once I wasn't so blessed. Times were hard back then, struggle was a part of everyday life. I still struggle today, dont get me wrong, nothing is ever handed to anyone. The difference between now and 20 years ago is that I'm no longer alone, I've added a partner to the fight and he makes the choices in my life now. I believe that that's the key, it's knowing that God is in control of my life.
As individuals, it's sometimes very threatening to give up your choices to someone else...or to wait for someone to show you what to do. It feels very out of control and scary. But knowing that I'm not capable of doing it on my own has allowed me to gracefully give up the control, the fear and the doubt. And I find today that the times I try to keep control is when I'm most likely to make another mistake, one which I can't afford.
God blesssed me with a wonderful family, one that was not rich and ok, but one that was poor and still learning, which allowed me to learn with them. I can't think of one aunt or uncle that didn't play an important part of a life skill I now carry. I can't help but think that was God's ultimate plan. Later in life (Im sure sooner than he expected LOL) he blessed me with children. As a parent I struggled to raise them, sometimes just to feed them. But love was plenty. I loved them and never withheld that from them, even if they sometimes thought that the "tough love" thing was unfair. I made plenty of mistakes, I didn't always guide with influence as I should have and sometimes I made the wrong decisions. I was a kid myself and learning with them. My children are awesome people now. They have grown up to make me very proud. That doesn't by any means, mean that they do everything right. No one does. But indeed they still make me immensely proud.
God blesssed me with an abundance of love in my heart, for family, for friends and sometimes for strangers. I love people. I love meeting new people and sharing my life, I love being with old friends and remembering good times. I love having adult conversations with my grown kids as much as I loved when they were beginning to speak their first words. I love having a life to share with someone.
One of the greatest blessing the Lord has given me is the opportunity to redeem my flaws as a parent. And that is by my grandchildren. Each child that has been born has added to my life of truly realizing God's blessings. They each are individuals with their own seperate personalities, yet also each are a part of me.
God has blessed me with an another family after all these years. Chelsea and TJ, I'm as proud of them as if I had had them since birth and only wish I could be with them more.
God has blessed me with the ability to choose to love someone one more time and I'm thankful for Travis in my life and can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us.
God has blessed me a family of in-laws that I can't wait to get closer to.
God has blessed me with the knowledge to do whatever I want to do, the ability to go out there and work hard to achieve that which I dream of. He has put me in places to acquire that knowledge (like Amarillo) that I will always be greatful for. He has blessed me with the proper placement of needed people in my life (as in Tim, Les and Serena) some old employers that taught me some of the knowledge I have today to climb the ladder.
God has favored me in many ways over my lifetime and I thank the people responsible that taught me to acknowledge His presence in my life so that I now know that He's in control and has me safe and sound.
I just wanted you all to know the blessings in my life and hope to stimulate you to look and see what blessings he has placed in yours.
God Bless You!!!!!!!!!
As individuals, it's sometimes very threatening to give up your choices to someone else...or to wait for someone to show you what to do. It feels very out of control and scary. But knowing that I'm not capable of doing it on my own has allowed me to gracefully give up the control, the fear and the doubt. And I find today that the times I try to keep control is when I'm most likely to make another mistake, one which I can't afford.
God blesssed me with a wonderful family, one that was not rich and ok, but one that was poor and still learning, which allowed me to learn with them. I can't think of one aunt or uncle that didn't play an important part of a life skill I now carry. I can't help but think that was God's ultimate plan. Later in life (Im sure sooner than he expected LOL) he blessed me with children. As a parent I struggled to raise them, sometimes just to feed them. But love was plenty. I loved them and never withheld that from them, even if they sometimes thought that the "tough love" thing was unfair. I made plenty of mistakes, I didn't always guide with influence as I should have and sometimes I made the wrong decisions. I was a kid myself and learning with them. My children are awesome people now. They have grown up to make me very proud. That doesn't by any means, mean that they do everything right. No one does. But indeed they still make me immensely proud.
God blesssed me with an abundance of love in my heart, for family, for friends and sometimes for strangers. I love people. I love meeting new people and sharing my life, I love being with old friends and remembering good times. I love having adult conversations with my grown kids as much as I loved when they were beginning to speak their first words. I love having a life to share with someone.
One of the greatest blessing the Lord has given me is the opportunity to redeem my flaws as a parent. And that is by my grandchildren. Each child that has been born has added to my life of truly realizing God's blessings. They each are individuals with their own seperate personalities, yet also each are a part of me.
God has blessed me with an another family after all these years. Chelsea and TJ, I'm as proud of them as if I had had them since birth and only wish I could be with them more.
God has blessed me with the ability to choose to love someone one more time and I'm thankful for Travis in my life and can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us.
God has blessed me a family of in-laws that I can't wait to get closer to.
God has blessed me with the knowledge to do whatever I want to do, the ability to go out there and work hard to achieve that which I dream of. He has put me in places to acquire that knowledge (like Amarillo) that I will always be greatful for. He has blessed me with the proper placement of needed people in my life (as in Tim, Les and Serena) some old employers that taught me some of the knowledge I have today to climb the ladder.
God has favored me in many ways over my lifetime and I thank the people responsible that taught me to acknowledge His presence in my life so that I now know that He's in control and has me safe and sound.
I just wanted you all to know the blessings in my life and hope to stimulate you to look and see what blessings he has placed in yours.
God Bless You!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Random-ness
I've been thinking for weeks what I could write about, it's not like I couldn't think of something, it's more like I couldn't bare it down enough to have a solid subject. My mind is filled continually with random thoughts and very little resolution at the moment. So instead of trying to force a flow of one particular subject, I thought I would grace you with some random-ness with no rhyme or reason:
- I'm really pissed at Obama right now. And I'm a democrat!
- I've been thinking of starting a at-home business. The same random-ness that has plagued my blogs has also plaqued this idea. So I just need some cohesion to sort it out to something that would be fun, profitable and long term.
- I wonder if I could paint the brick around my fireplace, I'd like to go for a calm, serene beachy feeling in here
- I am now addicted to Craig's list, searching for furniture, jobs and a dog.
- A thought, good or evil, an act, in time a habit, so runs lifes law; what you live in your thought world, that, sooner or later, you will find objectified in your life
- I really really really miss my husband
- I need to get my lawn moved very soon, I've been working on flower beds and thinking of putting a stream from the highest point to the lowest point on the side of the drive.
- Do you know that you cannot tell an idiot that he/she is an idiot, because he/she IS an idiot...(Now i finally understand)
- We often settle as human beings simply because we dont believe we deserve anymore than that and with that thought process we never will
- I need a good long road trip, with no destination and time restraints. Just to drive and see things and stop whenever the mood hits
- We should celebrate our happiness in life, our success's and even sometimes our sadness. Sometimes it's the next step.
- Not everyone wants something from you, some people just sincerely want to be by your side
- Karma, death and God are absolutes.
- Your children will unfairly judge you until they become parents to a teenager.
- It is more important to teach your children with example than discipline
- I think I might have a slight concussion
- I love the warm weather and am ready to start bbq'ing
- I am driven, inspired and scared. But still strive daily.
- We achieve that which we seek
- I need to finish painting my house, I need to choose a color
- God brings you through the fire to get you to the next stage, acknowledging and learning from the fire is your responsibility and if you don't get the first time the fire never goes out. We have to listen and reach out to him to be able to follow his Will. Satan loves to fool us with easy paths, promises of security,etc, but real honest peace only comes from following God's chosen path.
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