My family said a final good bye to a very special Aunt this last week. Though I didn't see her near often enough, she meant more to me than I can say.
Sadly, I have to add here that the lack of spending time together was often more my fault than hers.
Before I go further I'd have to give you some history, I was born to two teenagers that split up before I was born. Though he saw me as a small child, life took it's place and both my parents married others.
I'm placing no blame here but as the years went by, I was raised and placed and loved being in my step family, I learned only of the biological one when I was 10 and much to young to deal with that new found knowledge. By the time I reached the teenage years curiosity set in and I randomly chose to meet this member or another of the biological family.
These small efforts must have made their way to my Aunt Cheryl, because it wasn't long after that she tracked me down and more than one time in my life, tried to bring me together with the long line of the biological family. Here and there I made an effort. My father wasn't a pushy man, he knew I loved him, he accepted that I was such a Wilson that I'd show up to what I wanted to show up to.
In 2005, Me, my sister and my brother buried our father. I regretted all the opportunities that I had to share with him and chose not to. And this week when I said good bye to my aunt, I had those same regrets.
In fact, I can go back to many times in my life that I lost a loved one and had regrets over time NOT spent. Biological or not. I dont know why I'm like that. I can't figure it out.
I avoid all things that might cause me pain, maybe because I've had to face so much other pains in my life. I remove myself from anything uncomfortable, maybe because I desire comfort so much.
I honestly can't tell you!
Now, I'm old enough to realize that in most people's life's, we dont' get enough opportunity's to love enough people, we dont take the chances we have to forgive those that have hurt us, those that have made us uncomfortable. No one is perfect, no one ever will be, we have to adjust, we have to forgive and most importantly, sometimes it's totally up to us to take a chance and pursue a life with someone that once hurt you. Most of the time, given the second chance, the person will redeem themselves and though they can't undo what they've done, you can both be healed by starting your relationship anew.