Marriage after 40......

Marriage after 40……

Dating after 40 was quiet a surprise, mostly I was surprised by myself and the fact that I didn’t have a desire to date. I can’t honestly say that I didn’t want a relationship, I do believe that I did. What I didn’t want was another mistake. I had lost trust in myself for the inability to make good sound decisions but I had also learned that being cynical was the best self-defense mechanism. I don’t believe I was hurting myself or anyone else for that matter, mostly I was saving both of us a lot of probable pain at a later date. Pain I no longer had to spare. So I mostly just didn’t date. Life changed a lot for me since 40, I had changed a lot since 40, what I found was shocking and irritating, it was complete happiness and maybe more contentment than I had ever known. The only searching I was doing was inside myself and rightly so.
So, surprisingly I made it to the alter this last summer, I’m not really sure how that happened and I believe my husband is just as confused, but the fact remains that we are now married. I know that some little girl part of me expected life to be as it was when I loved in my 20’s, though I no longer needed him for security, financial reasons, or to help me make a family, the little girl in me still desired that fairy tale in which I’m whisked off and live happily ever after. What I’ve discovered is that my happily ever after is no longer a fairy tale. For once in my life it’s completely real. Travis hasn’t come to save me, though he brings me great comfort. He hasn’t come to complete my family, that’s been done but now he has added to it and made it more valuable than it was. I don’t’ expect him to be my hero, or my idol. I realize that he has flaws, as I do. I love him despite them, I love him because of some of them. I understand that every single day doesn’t have to be perfect and that if we have a tiff that day doesn’t mean that we have a bad relationship but only that we are two separate individuals with separate pasts and separate baggage. By baggage I certainly don’t mean our families. We have baggage that each past relationship has left in us, that even though we hoped we wouldn’t bring to this relationship, at some points it rears it’s ugly little head. We each have several years of being single and liking it. Being our own boss with our own ideas and no one to answer to or share an opinion or idea with. We’ve lived alone for many many years and now we have to adjust to how the other lives, the other’s dreams and quirks and habits and etc etc etc, you get the picture. Being single has left me to my own devises, good or bad but as a single woman we become very independent, it’s almost a necessity to get through life, but when you are 40+, it’s a hard place to leave, but leaving is also essential to a successful relationship.
We are months down the road, it’s becoming less like a mountain road and more like a prairie road, I guess you’ll only understand that if you are from one or the other place, but we understand it and it is working for us. My love for him is not little girl love, it’s not what can you do for me love or save me love. It’s true down in my heart, I need you and want you in my life love. He’s honestly become my other half…..
Marriage after 40 is the most rewarding kind of love I’ve experienced, I believe it’s the maturity and the independence and the determination all rolled into one.

Reflections of Christmas Past.....

I sit here tonight and ponder on the Christmas' pasts....like the year I was seven and we were driving back from my Grandmother's house in Texas. Rudolph the red-nose reindeer was playing on the radio, my sister and I snuggled warmly in the back sit when all of a sudden,, Mom was pointing our attention to Santa's sleigh in the sky...And yes I did see it, it was a red flashing nose high in the sky, who else could it possibly be besides Santa. I do think I noted (even at the tender age of 7) that his sleigh was going in the opposite direction of our house. Returning home, we walked into the living room and under the silver shiny tree, lo and behold, Santa had definitely came. He brought me my first bike that year and my sister a shiny red, pumped up pedal car. It was my validation that Santa actually existed and I argued that point many many years to follow as I had seen proof with my own eyes!
The Christmas I was 11 was a much sadder occasion, my grandfather died of a heart attack right before Christmas Dinner, I don't remember much about that Christmas except that was the first time I had ever seen my Dad cry and I didn't know what to say to him but I was so sad that he was sad and I needed him to be happy again.
The following year, I don't think I really believed in Christmas anymore, though my parents were doing their best to still make it a joyful occasion, I remembered all too well the pain from the Christmas before and I didn't expect it to be the gloriously happy time I remembered. I'm pretty sure that year I snuck under the tree and gently removed the tape from every present I had. I guess I figured it didn't really matter if I knew, as it was just another day now.
The Christmas' that followed were better and better each year, and each year there were people added to our holiday, sometimes the boys who worked at the cafe whose family didn't really celebrate, sometimes it was a long lost single uncle that I never saw again. It was good having people around and it never felt as an intrusion.
Each year we celebrated with opening presents on Christmas Eve, we could hardly wait til that evening and badgered them until they'd give in to letting us open at least one, we begged. Mom chose the one that we opened early, I suppose Mom expected this annually and planned accordingly cause the present she picked always seemed to be a small little trinket of Non-Christmas importance, though it pacified us until the anxiously awaited evening time.
Then on Christmas day, Mom would set the table with the "real" Crystal wine glasses...I always felt so rich when we sat down to that dinner just because those glasses were to me a sign of riches. In my heart they were my riches, held special all year long in the buffet until Christmas day. I now own these treasured glasses and I do not put them out for the Christmas dinner, for many reasons. I have too many children for each to have one and I dont trust that they won't get broken before the meal is over :)
Today my granddaughter was playing with my centerpiece which consists of candles and pinecones, a flash of memory revealed to me the meaning of the pinecones. I remember walking home from school during the year and looking for pinecones. One house in particular always had an abundance. I'd pull the bottom of my shirt up to make a pocket and fill it to the brim, running home to show Mom what I found for her. This is where my memory ends as I dont recall what we did with those pinecones. I believe we spray painted them and maybe used them for decorations. I'll have to ask Mom.
Soon it was up to me to carry on the memories with my children, we didn't do the traditional Christmas Morning as a divorce left me to split the children for the holidays, but we did have our traditions. Each year we'd drive all around town to see the lights, afterwards we'd either go for ice cream or sodas. We celebrated opening the presents mostly Christmas Eve and some years it was a random date to ensure that they could spend the holiday with all their family.
We would save their stockings for the morning after opening, I learned early on this would keep them occupied until Christmas Dinner was served. The Christmas movies were our special time, we'd gather up on the couch and watch year after year, I think I forced this on them years after they were really interested, but they being the wonderful loving children they are, humored me.
Like my mother, I believed that we should also include people outside our family to our gatherings, to this family there is no such thing as blood, it's a matter of love coming from the heart and everyone needs love and needs someone to share that day with.
The kids have grown and they are making traditions with their family, I try to honor that and let them have their own traditions as I know it's important to them. I get them at a later date and that works for me as I'm not willing to share them for part of a day. Yeah, I'm selfish like that.

But tonight on this Christmas Eve....I fondly recall the years past, my childhood and that of my children's. I would give everything I owned and what was to come to spend just one more night with my little children and hearing their squeals of delight as they unwrap each gift.
I hope each of you enjoy every single moment tonight and plant in your memories the looks of your children's faces as they lay down to bed tonight, worn out from the excitement of the day.
Merry Christmas to ALL!!!!

Home for the Holidays...

Fastly approaching is my day back at home. I fly in on Jenn's 22nd birthday, it's still amazing to me that my "youngest" child is past 21. I can't wait to go home this time as this will be the last time of the year that I get to take an extended vacation (at least that the company approves). The visits from here will only be 4 day weekend visits every three weeks. Imagine trying to run a house while only being there for 2 full days and 2 half days. Thank God for my mother who runs by and checks things out for me while I'm gone.
It's snowing here and though it is supposed to clear off by the time of my flight, it still concerns me. Its 22 below right now and the forecast doesn't call for it to get above freezing til after Wednesday. That only leaves 4 days for the snow to melt enough for me to get safely to the airport. But I have faith that God will clear the way.
Travis is going home to NC for Christmas and I'm going home to Oklahoma, and though it really sucks that we don't get to spend Christmas together, we will both be with our families and children. Hopefully, next year we will figure something else out so that we both can spend time with our families and each other.
I'm looking forward to seeing Rose and spending time with her on the 24th, whether it's shopping we do or what, I know we both need this time together, it's been awhile. Im excited about seeing the kids and grandbabies too, Thanksgiving seemed too short.
I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday and new year
God Bless

Thanksgiving

I realize that I'm a little late in posting this blog, but better late than never, right?
We had a great time over the thanksgiving break. Travis and I got home on Friday morning, Saturday morning we were at the airport getting Chelsea. So sorry that TJ, Ady, Randy and Blu didn't get to come.
We spent the week catching up with honey-dos, getting our camper settled in for winter. I spent alot of time with Jenn and Liza, Liza seems to be smarter than her years, I think she senses that Nana comes and then is gone for a while as she seemed concerned with letting me outta her sight for very long. Travis came back into my life 4 days before Joelliza was born, and he's grateful that Jenn asked him to be Papa to Liza, Liza has already learned to work her Papa too, they are creating a bond that will never be broken with daily little trips to the mailbox, a short walk down the road, Papa never hurries her and lets her truly discover things. When he's not in her sight, Liza will bellow "paaaaa-pa!" as many times as necessary to get him running and it doesn't usually take that long so she's extremely patient. When we are away from her, she calls us daily. You gotta understand that this baby is only almost 17 months old so her vocabulary is pretty limited, but when I answer the phone, she determindedly says "No, Papa" and she won't usually speak until her papa talks to her first. Our communication with our grandchildren is limited to only messaging or phone calls. When we talk to little Ady in North Carolina, it's the same thing. She loves talking to her papa, telling him about eating ice cream and being at Nanny's house, her vocab is expanding daily. I sure miss her and do not get to see her often enough.
I spent time with my oldest son Dennis and his family too, it was nice being home and just enjoying their presence. Chelsea and Jenn got to spend alot of time with each other and they truly act like sisters by birth at moments LOL... Friday afternoon, Kyle, Amanda and the kids arrived, me and Kymberlynn had a shopping trip for her birthday with just the two of us and although it was short, I had a great time spending time alone with her. We had a great time with the kids, just hanging out.
Saturday we finally had our Thanksgiving. I hate a great time, cooking and baking before the big day. Most of my cousins got to come and spend time. In this family, everyone knows how to cook and though I do try to make the majority of the meal, I'm not above to giving it up to someone that has a better dish than I, Lori's corn recipe, Mom's ham and sweet potatoe casserole and giblet gravy, my sister's cheesecake, a recipe for a new rice dish from Nan, Amanda's sweet potatoe casserole and Jenn's pecan pie. Thank you to everyone that brought something.
I am thankful for the little things, the time spent with cousins, mom and dad, my kiddos and grandbabies. I'm thankful that this year I am happily married. I am thankful for the daily blessings that the Lord bestows upon my children even if they can't see or acknowledge where they come from. I see the love of their family, I see the bonds that parents and children have and most of all I see happiness in them. Thank you Lord.
I just wanted to express to all how grateful I am to have you in my life.
Happy Holidays

North Dakota

Update to Dickinson, North Dakota....

Back for the third three week stint.
Three days last week it was warmer in Alaska than here :) It snows daily, off and on. Though there are times that it'll snow for hours on end, like last night.
Travis and I did get a suite this time, two complete seperate rooms. A big king size pillow top bed that I've adorned with a warm cozy quilt from home, a candle placed here and there and many snapshots of our children, grandchildren and family arranged within eye sight. The living arrangements are 100% okay.
News of the Oil & Gas Industry bring daily concerns to the time we may or may not spend here. Running title to find only that it's already leased has left me with alot of disappointment and fear.
Travis and I realize that in this condition we must get ourselves out of the room periodically, after working in the room for 10 or 12 hours a day, we find that at the end of the day, there is no attraction outside of the couch and recliner and a good book or tv show. Not to mention that the only option for eating out seems to be fast food or little cafes that know nothing of customer service. In fact, the entire town doesn't show human feelings at all, it's like being waiting on or served by robots who have shut off all human existence. I do have to say that I like the feel of the town, it's got a small town feel as far as geographical and culture, but the people have not learned small town formalities, such as "thank you, how are you or god bless" It's hard to even get them to say "How can I help you" But I love the dress code here, it's all country, everyone owns a carhart and a pair of boots, I fit right in.
The dusk has already set in by 4 or 4:30 at the latest, so by 7 or 8 pm, your body thinks it's bedtime LOL...I do my best to cook for us in the room as I prefer my cooking to anything else offered in this little town. But you can only create so many meals with a crock pot, microwave and toaster oven. Oh, I also have a two burner but then again we are in a motel and they frown on you really cooking any fried foods or anything that requires too many spices. :)
But in all this, I am still grateful to be among the employed and if here through the dire winter months, maybe I will find more time to write.

Clearing the Clutter...

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me" Psalm 51:10

Clutter is normally thought of as "things" we acquire or accumulate.
My take on this is that the "things" are also our human emotional, mental and physical state.
But we start with the need to fulfill something, as in our first home. Everyone likes nice things and some things are a necessity, but there comes a time to stop. You can only find need for one toaster, one stove, etc. And you can only display so much stuff in your house, if you go past that point, you've suddenly found clutter and disorganization.
If your environment is a mess, the same cluttered feeling carries over to your mind....
I find that it's not so much the household clutter that affects me, I'm actually a little crazy about things in my house. I like and expect things to be in order, in it's place and of functional use and if they aren't, then my mind reacts accordingly. Confusing and disoriented thoughts, lack of focus and a impending thought of discord at home.
See how the household mess has now affected my emotional areas....It has me carrying around needless burdens, draining my energy, slowing my progress and eating away at my time and space.
Most of us don't recognize this as rooting from our home but I believe that it does. Even with that said, I know that at times my head and heart become cluttered. I carry around hurts and disappointments way past the time that they are fruitful. I allow guilt to settle in my head, even if it is an uninvited guest and eventually I feel overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions I dont know how to sort. At these times, it's essential to let go. Yes, letting go is painful, as hurtful as throwing out that old box of clothes, or dishes, but it's important and it's vital to clearing the clutter. There are many causes of Mental Clutter, the mind is often covered in scar tissue from past hurts and traumas. Ask yourself to define a need AND a result for each emotion, if it serves no purpose, give it to the Lord to carry and forget it. When we clear the clutter from our home we should ask ourselves

1. Does this item have a purpose?
2. Does this item touch my heart in a sentimental way
3. Do I use/enjoy this item daily?

Clearing the clutter doesn't mean that we throw out everything, it just means that we clear out the cobwebs, things that keep us at a standstill, things that are just in the way. We should warmly refer to these things as our beloved obstacles...yet, dispose of them so that our path can be clear. Have you ever set down on the side of the bed and tried to have a conversation with God, all the while, the thought of the stove needing cleaned or the bills needing paid or the husband's harsh words taking over your thoughts to the point that you had to repeatedly restart your prayer to God. Clutter has taken over your life AND your mind. It's time to de-clutter.
Take away the things in your life that keep you from being productive and focused. Ask for help from a friend or family member if necessary but start the process to de-clutter now. Then next start with a spiritual cleansing, ask the Lord to help you declutter your life so that you may work harder towards his will in your life.


*If an item does not have a place, then it has no purpose and without a purpose it has no reason to belong*

Who decides your happiness?

We all wait for those moments of immense happiness, just idly wait~
Somewhere in the process of becoming adults, we forgot what it was to experience real, genuine happiness. Those small childhood things brought so much happiness, getting an ice cream cone, a special day with Mom, or a loving hug from Nana. Is it the innocense of a child, is it that fresh clean slate that has never experienced real pain? Is that why children can find joy in a song you sing, or a day of baking in the kitchen with Mom or Nana, or just a special book that you read to them at nighttime?
I remember "waiting" for my happiness. I waited and waited and waited. I would experience it and then that someone that brought me happiness would suddenly decide to take it away, this happened often enough that I began to fear finding happiness again.
Depending on someone else for something is just setting yourself up for disappointment. It's self-destructive and self-defeating. Having expectations too high or low, it all sets you up to become unhappy. So instead of looking to someone else for your joys, find them yourself. Read a book in a hot tub, light some candles, give yourself a manicure. Treat yourself as you wish someone else would treat you and before long I think you'll realize that ultimately it is ourselves that make us or break us in the happiness department.
It took trials and tribulation and just absolute destitute times before I realized that someone else could not bring me happiness. It took having it all and losing it all and knowing exactly what both felt like before I could find it for myself. I remember the day I discovered that it was up to me, I was driving down a country road and through the hills I could see the sun setting, my heart raced and my body became warm. I stopped and thanked God that day for showing me where true happiness could be found. In the depths of my mind.

Learning Life's Lessons...The Hard Way~

I am constantly in the learning state, being someone who has changed their life/lifestyle I realize that daily there is something new for me to learn, most generally for the last couple years, these lessons have come fairly easy to me. This has not always been the case but when you give up some of the control in your life to someone higher, you'll find that the lessons in life aren't always so hard to come by. And the reason behind that is you are becoming more aware on a daily basis of signs and things to come because you are being lead by someone else.
Since I've been shipped to another part of the state I've been a little pouty and feeling like I was left behind in my career. A phone call from a colleage yesterday made this feeling of being left out a blessing in disquise as I learned that everyone left behind in Oklahoma was now out of a job. So today I can honestly say that instead of the punishment this seemed to be it has been validated as a definite blessing from up above.
I think there were several other blessings in disquise that members of my family were looking at as punishments also.
My cousin and I are the exact same age, we were raised almost as sisters and have almost mirrorred each other throughout life as far as life changes. Yesterday she was admitted to the hospital for chest pains. Today though she is home and ok, we have discovered that she may have some heart problems.
This goes back to a time before when i talked about not finding time to be with those you love, passing up the time to say I love you, or not making time for a visit. Today I am aware that our time could be cut short way too quickly and regrets would be all to fill the void of not having her in my life. So what seems as some sort of unfairness now seems as if there is indeed a blessing in disquise, for me so that I won't push off these opportunities and for her so that she won't just assume that tomorrow will be here. We are lucky, all of us who have the pleasure of these little warnings are blessed indeed. Sometimes we need a wake up call and if you aren't listening to the little signs, then I know for a fact that God will shake you up with some big signs just to get your attention.
So yes in all things, there lies good. Look for it and appreciate it.

Feeling Charitable?

Before you get out the checkbook, let me share a few things with you. I used to donate to what I thought were the top three charities every year. The American Red Cross, The United Way and the Salvation Army. Over the years I've heard of numerous scandals involving The Red Cross and The United Way. After 9-11 The American Red Cross has initially planned to hold back more than half of the $543 Million raised for victims of 9-11 attacks....~~~~They placed $200 million of the donations in a reserve fund planning to improve the charity's infrastructure. To those of you that generously donated, is that really what you had planned for your donation??? I know it wasn't my idea. While the Salvation Army's response to 9-11 was much more impressive, volunteers headed to NYC, without being asked, to serve 300,000 meals in the first 72 hours after the attack, teddy bears for the children and as always handing out bibles. Can I tell you that from now on, that's the only place my money is going?
Here are some statistics I found on these three organizations...Just FYI before you decide where or how much you are giving this year.

Marsha J. Evans, President and CEO of The American Red Cross...annual salary $651,957 PLUS EXPENSES

Brian Gallagher, President of United Way $432,709 base annual salary plus numerous expenses and other benefits.

John Busby, chief executive of the Salvation Army earns a yearly salary of 13,000.00 plus housing and transportation expenses.

In response to interviewer's Mr. Busby offered "I dont miss anything money can buy, I'm in the will of God, doing what he wants me to do. There's no higher purpose than that"

The average salary among charities executives is $144,521 yearly

Awww...just what I like...A christian standing up and showing us that we can still have faith in some things. I wish all top positions required that only a christian could hold OFFICE. I believe we'd all be better off.

Introduction

I would like to introduce myself...Angie Walker is my name. I recently married the love of my life. Travis and I met in 1982, when the oil boom brought him to my home town of Elk City, Oklahoma. We dated for a few short months, during which I fell madly in love and we went to my senior prom together. We seperated ways in mid summer of 1982 and I never saw or heard from him again until July 4th, 2008. We dated for a little over a year while he lived in North Carolina and I lived in Oklahoma. We are now both Petroleum Landman working for an oil and gas broker and stationed in NORTH DAKOTA for the time being.
I have 4 grown children and Travis has a grown son and a 16 year old daughter. Together we have 9 grandchildren.
We are very family oriented and are always trying to spend as much time as possible with our families. We hope to retire in a few short years and maybe open our own little business while we travel and see the world.
I write to express myself and my dream is to someday pass the amateur level of writing and publish my own book.
I'm interested in family issues, Godly issues, reading other's blogs, please recommend. I enjoy small town life and country people ways. Before becoming a landman, I was a Soux Chef and I truly miss the days of the hustle and bustle in the food and beverage industry.

What if?.......

What if...Today is the LAST Day of the Rest of Your Life

I awoke before Dawn, walking out of the bathroom this exact phrase comes to me. God has spoke to me very few times but what I've learned is that when he speaks to me, it's in a no-nonsense straight to the matter manner. Now hearing those words was not the thing I needed to hear. I went back to bed and laid there praying that today wasn't the day he was going to take me. Still I took the necessary steps to pray and repent all my sins...Around 9 am, after probably scarring my husband, I realized that what he had said to me, did not mean he was taking me home today but that he was telling me I'm missing things daily and I need to learn to live my life as if it was my last day.

I began thinking about my last days and what I wanted to have accomplished that day, hopefully in the very very far future.

The things that had been important to me, as retirement, traveling, life savings and my home, suddenly were not important at least not in the way that I had originally thought.

I thought that day of the things I would miss, my granddaughter's first prom and marriage, getting to be a great grandmother someday. I would miss the family get togethers, the reunions, sitting outside with my kids. I would miss their little texts or messages. I wouldn't have time in one day to say what I wanted to say to everyone in my life. I wouldn't have time to tell everyone good bye and there would be no more life lessons from me.

Not once did I ponder the things in my house I want to redo, or how much money I have or what kind of car I drive. I only thought of what I hadn't said to the people I loved, I thought of the times that I could've spent with them and didn't. I thought of all the missed opportunities for my family. I thought of the times I wouldn't get to cheer them on or tell them I was proud of them.

And now I realize that God spoke to me that morning so that I would not leave this earth with regrets but when that day comes, the people I leave behind will definitely know what they meant to me. If you are in my life or even if you once wore, know that I do love you and I'm proud to have been part of your life.

Pay it forward

Many years ago as a small girl I learned of blessings and what they meant. I remember patiently waiting for mine to appear as my aunt promised they would. What I didn't know was that for the blessings to magically appear you had to be in a state of mind to acknowledge the real blessings. I guess I was 17 the first time I realized this, as they lay that tiny little girl in my arms that day, I knew of complete and absolute faith, as this child was surely a miracle because I had never done anything so wonderful in my life to deserve this incredible warming feeling that I had that day. I was blessed many more times in the same manner with exactly the same reaction. Instant Love, I had never known such a thing.
As years passed the blessings seemed to have disappeared as I never felt that again about anything else and I was losing faith because of it.
20 years later I can tell you that this wasn't truly the case but that I had lost sight of what could be deemed blessings and what isn't.
In the past 12 years, I've learned to acknowledge and express appreciation for the blessings and I've learned also that without returning these blessings, the ones you receive will begin to recede. I was reminded of this yesterday as I listen to someone else's rendition of her blessings. How sad I was that I had let myself get to the state that I forgot or got too busy to watch for opportunities to bless others less fortunate than myself.
So Im writing this blog as a challenge to my friends and family that have probably also forgotten what it was like when our lives weren't so blessed. I want to look for those opportunities to help the less fortunate, to speak words of comfort or words of love to someone that needs to hear it. To seek that single mother whose heart is breaking this holiday season cause not only can she not afford the gifts her children so desire but she can't afford Christmas at all. Search for that man who has lost his family this year and must face Christmas day alone, invite him to share your holiday with your family. Ask the church to direct you to a family that needs Christmas Dinner bought for them. Volunteer at a local shelter or a food kitchen. Offer that stranger stranded a tank of gas and a hot meal. There are so many ways to help that doesn't involve monetary donations but would still mean the world to someone. When hurricane Katrina send the victims to Amarillo, I decided to volunteer to help. We were coached about how angry these people could possibly be and not to expect thanks. I can tell you that night watching them file in one by one, hungry and scared and worried, that my eyes filled with tears and my lip trembled with pity for these people. In a few days time I come to find that it wasn't that I was helping them but that these people gave me more than I could ever give them. I truly come away the better for being there. When we help someone else the feeling we get can never compare to anything else.
Let's spread it this year, Pass it Along
Happy Holidays to All.....